Past is never past

          Past is never past, it remains within.......

“I can assure that I have disconnected myself emotionally from my past, I have moved on but inside somewhere everything is present (not emotionally)....every moment I loved, and every moment I have endured, from which I have learnt and grew.”

He was like cloud. I was in love with those dusky days... windy... although dusty.... too busy waiting for rain to come. I never realized that it had actually obstructed bright days to come in my life. He had become part and parcel of my life. And there was no reason to be doubtful about.  Everyone knew him in my family. I was known and actually accepted by his family. But how things turned down.... everything is still uncanny to me.

It doesn’t seem that what I am mentioning had happened 23 years back. It seems that it has just passed and the reflection has yet not vanished from my eyeballs. I met Ankush when I took admission in the coaching which I had joined to prepare for medical examination after completing 12^th. I was 17. He was a year senior but since a year he was preparing for medical and had not taken admission in graduation. A very dedicated and brilliant student. He had prepared for medical for one year at home and to brush up his knowledge he had joined the coaching.  We were in the same batch. From the very first day I used to curse him for being in my batch. He was extra intelligent and would reply to questions without waiting for a second. He was not letting me comprehend the questions completely. Teachers used to praise him every time and I used to get jealous. He used to be very quiet..... but very focused. He was not arrogant and would take the complements gently. The classes were for 9 months. 2 months had passed. Day by day my anxiety level was increasing as I was not able to understand things in 2 months which had already passed. One of the reasons being Ankush, I used to get irritated whenever he stood to reply any question. Emotion mixed with jealousy, tension and irritation, I went to one of the mentors and told him to change my class as I was not able to grasp anything because of Ankush. He smiled and said that if you have someone available around you who can help you to reach your goal; you should be going to him and not away from him. He suggested me to take help from Ankush and clear all my doubts. He also suggested for group study which helps many a times if group consists of like minded people.

I remember it was a hot day, an afternoon in June when I had first confronted him. It was lunch time and we had been given 2 hours of self study time after lunch. I found him below the shade of the tree at the corner of the small garden of the institute. He had worn a striped shirt of white and light blue. His sleeves were folded till elbow. He had his eyes focussed on his book. It was a physics book, H.C. Verma, which he was solving. I went to him.

“Hi.... studying”?

“Hello... yes... I need to crack now; I have given enough time to preparation”. He replied

“Hmmm....actually I am here for some favour. Everyone says and even I feel that you are very brilliant. Can you please help me understand some chapters in physics and Chemistry?”

“That’s a compliment. No issue, I would help. We have two hours of self study time; you let me know what you want to know......it will help me revising old chapters. By the way…. Sorry but I don’t know your name.”

“Aasmi” I replied with a smile.

“Aasmi… nice name”. He smiled back… a friendly smile.

He was very good at explaining things. I asked him everything in which I had doubt and he never denied giving me time.

A month passed and I was getting hold on subjects now. Ankush was a great help. We were quiet a sort of friends now. Once in the same garden after clearing a doubt from Ankush I stumbled while returning. He held my wrist from one hand and waist from another.  I still remember his masculine hold on my waist and wrist. For a moment...i was held spellbound. I had never seen him that way but his touch compelled me to think in another direction than studies. Now I started noticing his height, his complexion....him. He was 5’10”, fair, average built.....overall good looking. I started giving attention to him and to myself... would wear colours which suited me, would put small bindi . I would daily go to him and ask questions, and when he explained I would look at his face….. so calm and appealing. I would deliberately touch his hand. He was also getting little comfortable with me. He would not mind taking pen from my hand without asking, he would not mind if his fingers touched my palm while taking the pen…. He would not even notice these things…. But I loved it….all these small things which helped me fantasising my whole life with Ankush. I wanted to stumble daily to get his hold… but I could never.

4 months had passed and with help of Ankush, I had got a grip on subjects.  In addition to that my affection towards him increased day by day. There was a mid-term test conducted after half of the syllabus had been covered. I and Ankush had scored a position in the class. Obviously.. he was 1^st. I was 3^rd and quite satisfied by my performance. Teacher’s day was going to come and we had planned to give a surprise party to our mentors. Since we could not take out time in the day time, we used to stay late and practice for songs, and dance which we were planning to perform. Party was planned on Teacher’s day i.e. 5^th September. On 4^th evening, we found we were running out of time as a hell lot of work like class decoration, speech of master of the ceremony, preparation for snacks etc was completely left. We planned to stay in the institute that night. We were 30 of us. Work was apportioned among all of us. I was a part of decoration team and so was Ankush (it was a coincident). 5 students were given responsibility of decorating the room. Everyone was busy in one or other work. It was 11’o clock and everyone was on fire to decorate the room. By 1’o clock room was almost ready and all five of us were sitting on the chair looking at the classroom which was embellished with balloons, craft papers and lot of flowers. At about 1:30, except me everyone started dozing off and slept on the chair itself. I looked at Ankush, he was almost asleep. I went outside on the terrace. It was breezy…. Extremely pleasant. I was enjoying the wind and suddenly I felt a familiar touch on my shoulder. I turned back. Ankush was standing behind me with his patent sleeve of his shirt folded till his elbow. I smiled at him.

“It is so pleasant here. I love wind” I said

“I love …..”

“ what…wind”

“No”

“Then??Night ??”

“you”

“Sorry????” I couldn’t believe it.

“I love you Aasmi. I liked you from the first day of the coaching. The way you used to enter the class room, the way you spoke, your gait, everything I noticed. I wanted to say you since many days but couldn’t gather courage.”

I kept on gazing him. I had no words to add to his thought. He had spoken my words, everything which I wanted to say. He had filched my word. Words couldn’t come out and I couldn’t control my emotions. I embraced him tightly. He wasn’t ready for that. He held me too, but not tightly. After two minutes, when I realized, I stepped back with my head bowed down. He came near and held my cheeks from his hands.

“What happened..... Nervous” He asked.

“Ankush.... if I tell you that I feel same for you, I know you won’t believe it but I do. From the day I stumbled and you held me, I wanted to stumble daily. I came to you with lot of questions, but sometimes I already knew many of them. It was just for pretext to come near you”

He laughed.  "God...good, it would help re-practicing, continue in future”. He laughed again.

I smiled and this time I embraced him again. His hold was tighter now. I hadn’t experienced more b’ful night than this in my life time. We were for another two hours in the terrace. There was no one except some mute spectators as sky and the stars which would twinkle now and often to mark their presence. We talked for about half an hour, held hands for another half an hour, hugged, left and again embraced for another half an hour and we kissed and smooched by end of 2^nd hour. At 4, we went inside, sat on two opposite chairs and tried to close our eyes but kept on gazing each other. By 6 everyone left for their home.

It was teacher’s day and we reached coaching at 11. All the classes were suspended as entire coaching was in party mood. I had a special reason to wear little more make up and look prettier than required in a teacher’s day. All the girls were told to wear sari. Although my height is 5’5” (not bad) but I looked taller and prettier in sari and that’s why I loved the dress code. I wore a sari of peacock colour (green, navy blue and light blue spread over the sari in a beautiful way). Matching Bindi and matching ear ring was adding beauty to it. Although I got many compliments that day but my eyes were searching for someone special and in a moment he was there. Although there was no particular dress code for boys but he had wore a long navy blue kurta on jeans, sleeves folded till his elbow. He looked at me and we both smiled.  I find the emotion worth mentioning as it was something different. It was as if I have seen the most valuable thing of my life. My heart was beating heavily. I had a mixed emotion of happiness, shyness and nervousness. I didn’t know the reason of either of these. He came to me.

 “B’ful choice” He siad

“Sari or earring”

“My choice is beautiful”. He said proudly.

“Mine too”. I winked.

Although the whole day was very cherishable however there is an incident worth mentioning here. I was taking out snacks. I took two plates in my hand and stood. Suddenly the Aanchal of my sari fell down. There was no place I could keep the plates back. I turned back and tried keeping the aanchal on place with the help of my elbow and chin. I was engrossed in doing that and somewhere from behind Ankush came. He held my Aanchal. My heart beat started playing drums. He came near me and stuck my Aanchal below the blouse near shoulder. His hand touched my bare shoulder inside the blouse. My lips were dry. I wanted to kiss him so much but I was stand still. He took both the plates from my hand and whispered in my ear “.... you look hot in Sari..... don’t do any such thing which force me to lose control over me. Drape it nicely”. He went with those two plates and I kept staring at him from back feeling his touch over my bare shoulder. Program got over by 6. Sky was going to get dark. Wind was cool. Everyone was wrapping up. I also got ready to leave. Ankush called me on my mobile and told that he is waiting for me in the terrace. I went. He was standing in the same place where we had spent a beautiful night a day before. He said he just wanted to hug me in Sari before I leave. I went near him. He came closer. He put his hand around my naked waist and rubbed my back. I held him and hid my face inside his chest. He kissed on my forehead and we left.

Life had again come back to square. Studies, studies and studies from next day. The only change which had come that I had someone in the coaching who used to show concern for me and with whom I used to sit and study.  Amid all this, I had introduced Ankush to my parents and I met Ankush’s parents too. I think both of our parents had the hunch and both of them were quite ok about us. I was putting all my effort to crack the exam as I had understood the passion of Ankush for a doctor. In the last day of coaching I was little sad for I would not be able to meet him daily but he consoled saying that these days of separation would help us in lifelong togetherness. I was happy to listen that. Lifelong togetherness....... It was not only me who was thinking about spending whole life together.

I had cried lot when result came out. I had not cleared the exam. However, for Ankush I was both happy and sad. Happy… as he had cleared exam and sad as he would go away and we won’t be able to meet. He called me and told me not to lose hope. He consoled me saying that he also prepared for two years and he is sure that next year I would be able to compete. That gave me strength. His each word was panacea for me. I started studying with all the effort I could give. The day he left for his medical college, I went to drop him to station. He used to call me daily thereafter and most of the time guided me how to study. I missed him intensely. He said he also does but he didn’t want to distract me from my studies. Phone calls reduced from daily to alternate day to thrice a week. Whenever I complained he would cite all his hostel business and vast course of 1^st year and also how I would not understand these things. I stopped complaining. He came home twice that year, both for 10 days. Those days were like heavy rain for the peacock who had been left alone in a dry place. In the 2^nd visit, I had met his parents also. Although they knew me but I had gone especially to meet them, actually to remind them that I was in Ankush’s life. They were very nice to me. Although there was no discussion on the marriage part but they had asked my future plans and I had told them that I was preparing for medical. They were pleased to listen that. His reducing number of phone calls didn’t matter to me because I had a long run plan.

Exams were coming and every time he would call he would give me a long lecture to concentrate and on the topics I should be studying before exam. Even I wanted to clear my exam….. for Ankush. I could not clear it. I called him when result was out. Inspite of consoling he had talked in such a way as if I was of no use and the biggest sin I have done by not clearing the exam. He didn’t talk to me for next 20 days. I was very upset. He called me after 20 days and felt sorry for not calling me.

“ Aasmi…. I was confident that you would clear this time…. I was upset but I am sorry, I should not have behaved this way” He had said. It was pacifying.

“That’s ok”. I said

“What’s the plan now? Don’t lose hope. It was just a second try”

“Ya… but I would take admission in graduation, I cannot take any more risk now”

“Where?”

“Not yet thought, let’s see the forms are out for which colleges. They take entrances now days even for graduation.”

“Ok, let me know if you need any support…. And don’t worry”

“ya”

“ok, then I will sleep. Good night”

“Good night….. Listen”

“Hmmm??”

“I love u, it’s been month dat you said so”

“Love u too. Sleep now” It was palliative.

After many days I had a sound sleep that day. I started applying in the colleges for graduation. There were many options. One of them was psychology. The study of psychology teaches how humans think and the way in which humans arrive at decisions or behaviours. The subject had captivated me and thus I chose to pursue psychology in graduation. I took admission in one of the best colleges of our state, worth mentioning in the same city where Ankush was. Side by side my preparation for medical was going on. I was riveted by the subject I was pursuing and was gradually losing interest in medical. The only reason to continue to prepare for medical was Ankush. Although we used to meet every evening, but meeting him every evening and be with him whole day and in the same hostel.... the latter itself was a tickling thought for me.

As the days passed, he expressed his inability to meet me daily due to demanding nature of his studies. I understood his problem. I was also getting busy in psychology. Freud and Erickson started taking all my time and my medical preparation was left behind. Five months later I finally decided to take the profession as a psychologist in future rather than a doctor. I was not repenting for my decision as I had actually liked the subject.

“What is this crap psychologist”. He shouted at me on phone.

“What's the problem in being a psychologist. That’s a respectable job and most important, I want to do it. Even my parents don’t find any problem with it” I replied

“To hell with your parents... I damn care. Keep on preparing for medical”

“Mind your language”. And I hung up the phone.

For next 10 days, we didn’t talk to each other. He called after 10 days to say sorry. I was deeply hurt. Thereafter I reduced calling him and many a times I avoided meeting him. Most probably he understood. He started calling me daily. Every hour there would be a loving message on my phone with lot of sorry emoticons. He would send me funny jokes to make me laugh. One day I received a bouquet with a letter. It was from Ankush.

“Dear Aasmi,

Lots of love!

I am writing to you because it takes lot of courage to stand in front of you and accept the mistake and I don’t have the courage. I am really really sorry for the words I used for your parents. But, truly speaking it was not a deliberate choice of words for your parents. It was my frustration towards you. Trust me. I respect your parents and I always will. I know you are deeply hurt but as I cannot retrieve my words, I can only apologize. Your silence is killing me.

Come back.

Only yours

Ankush.”

I had called him that night and we talked for about half an hour. I was getting back to normal. We met thrice that week. He was very good to me. He also asked about my studies and about the semester exams. I thought he had accepted my decision of being a psychologist. When forms for medical exam came out, he had called me to fill the form but I denied. He again didn’t talk to me for a week. This time I had called him after 7 days. He didn’t talk lovingly but he was Okay. Our relationship was just moving on. We met twice a week and called each other whenever necessary. He was in 4th year when I finished my graduation with 92.5% marks. I was very happy. He was the first person whom I called to share the news. His reaction was very mild.

“Aren’t you happy for me” I had asked him.

“What is there to be happy about Aasmi. It was just a graduation. It wasn’t medical exam which you have cracked” he was rude

“By the way you have done well. Congrats” He added.

“Thanks”. I hung up the phone. I took admission in Masters in the same college.

I could sense the increasing distance between us. But I thought that study is taking all his time and thus he is not able to give me time. Although somewhere I had formed conjecture that I might not get Ankush but was denying to accept the fact. We continued meeting but it was no more romantic. It was like a routine which both of us followed religiously. There were days when we used to spend whole day but our conversation didn’t finish. Now, within half an hour, we kept quiet as none of us had anything to say. I had lot to say him, about me, my college, my accomplishments... but I knew he hardly bothered. It was obviously not a medical college. My parents had started asking about my marriage and indirectly they wanted to know about the consent of Ankush. I was giving them excuses and had asked for one more year so that he finishes his internship and I finish my masters.

It was 8-9 months left to finish my college and his internship that I started noticing change in him. When he would come to meet me, he would talk about his college. (Earlier he found it insulting to talk about his medical college to a non-medical student). He would talk about his time table in college, his friends both male and female and Kirti, an intern in the same hospital from where Ankush was doing internship. Ankush mentioned  about her every time whenever we met. He shared that Kirti had scored a state level position in the medical exam and has been a very good student consistently. However, he would always add that they were only friends and that would give me relief.

Final exam of my Masters and end of his internship were almost clashing. I was leaving for my home town 15 days ago than Ankush. The day I gave my last paper, I went to meet him. We met at a restaurant.

“I am leaving day after. When will you come?”I had asked him

“I will also be there by end of this month”. He replied.

“Ankush..... what have you planned for future?”

“You know that.... I told you I have already got a job. I will do that and I will prepare for MS”. He said.

“ Hmmm... that I know. “ I said quietly

“And your plan” He asked

“I have also a job in my hand as a psychologist. I will apply for PhD now”

“That’s cool”

“ Ankush when are we getting married? I have been avoiding my parents’ question, but now I have to reply something. We can continue studying even after marriage and at present we both have jobs to sustain nicely”. I said everything in one go.

He kept on looking me for sometime in a very surprised way and then replied

“Why the hell do you think I’ll marry you? How can you think that. You deserve a lawyer, a teacher or a clerk may be a psychologist.... but obviously not a doctor. Listen Aasmi you cannot use our friendship in such a way. You should be understanding that as a doctor, I would want a doctor wife, not just any one like you.”

“ So, what was going on  all these years, from coaching till today?”

“Look, I liked you but you couldn’t prove yourself. That’s not my fault. I had given you chance twice and then had asked to try for 3^rd time. You were stonewalled on my proposal”

“ Proof? Proof of what that I’m a doctor material and how do you know that a doctor will always be a good wife”

“I am no mood to argue Aasmi, I have to meet Kirti too.”

I had understood. Education broadens ones mind which I couldn’t see in his case. He was such a narrow minded person. Moreover, I was also astonished by his last letter in which he had written to come back. Why he had to call me and push me back. Why he had tried so much to make me happy. He could have just left me. These questions were mysterious to me. That was the last day I met him. I went home and informed everyone about Ankush’s decision. Everyone was hurt at my home but they wanted me to be happy. I started getting pressure for my marriage which I didn’t want to do.  “Forget and move on”, I had heard this line so many times that it started irritating me. I knew that everyone wanted me to be happy but I wanted to tell them that there is no “UNDO” in our life and if we cannot undo it, it will go together with me, wherever I go. I can add something in it but it will be present in the page of my life.

“It is not only those days and memories that hurt, but the days following after you went and insensitivity of people around that hurts equally”

I never married, not because I couldn’t find a better person than Ankush or I was not able to move on, but because all those 7 years he was someone whom I loved and trusted, with whom I had spent some very very special moments, some Hindi songs of those years still remind me of him. He changed. I didn’t. Trusting again someone is little difficult. Also, I had more important works to do in my life than to marry someone. I didn’t put a full stop in my life. I moved on. Completed my Phd, and got a job of professor in a very renowned college. As a psychologist I earned name, fame and wealth. And I have to go on.  I check his facebook sometimes. He couldn’t clear his MS I suppose, as he is a physician with no specialized degree. He married Kirti....Dr. Kirti. She is a gynaecologist and more famous than Ankush.  From a common friend I got to know that their relationship is very disturbed and soon they are going to get legally separated. Most probably because Ankush was left much behind Kirti’s name and fame as a doctor and he doesn’t like that.

It was last night in an event when I met Ankush again after 15 years. He was a participant and I was invited as a chief guest. After the event, he came to me with his youngest 3 yr old daughter.

“after so many years...you haven’t changed a bit..... same smile, same gait” He had said.

“your daughter is pretty. What’s her name?

He taught me psychology more than the books. He taught me change in human behaviour with live examples. He taught me the meaning of Id, Ego and superego more than any book. I thank him for that. There is no point in keeping grudges. It won’t affect him and I don’t want to have any negative effect on me. He also taught me that sometimes there are mysteries in life, we should always try to solve it but never let it entangle us. May be he was the way to lead me to a successful life. His neglect inspired me to go extra miles and I went. Somewhere he is still behind my success.

“Aasmi” He said

“I missed you” He added.

“Hmmm” I smiled “You don’t realize the importance of breathing, until you have difficulty doing it. you feel more strongly to have that. Oh! You won’t understand. It’s psychology”. I left the party.

                                                                                                                         My journey continues.......................