रंगहीन प्यार

 

रंगहीन प्यार

काले झगड़े के बाद सफ़ेद चुप्पी,

...............लेकिन उसके बाद गुलाबी प्यार भी था

स्याह शरारतें, नीली बदमाशियां, बैंगनी खुमार भी था.

बातें करने को मुझसे पीली धुप में तुम छत पर आते थे.

बातों में तकरार थी तो थोडा इजहार भी था

मटमैली सी नोंक झोंक थी तो गुलाबी प्यार भी था.

 

पहले जरुरी मैं  थी, मुझसे बच जाये तो समय दूसरों को देते थे तुम.

सुबह अगर दरार थी तो नारंगी शामों में तुम्हारा इन्तजार भी था.

नीली छत और हरे फर्श की दुनिया थी हमारी

..............लाल गुस्सा था तो गुलाबी प्यार भी था.

 

है तो आज भी काले झगडे और सफ़ेद चुप्पी

और फिर...... फिर काले झगडे और सफ़ेद चुप्पी

इन सफ़ेद काले रंगों में वो गुलाबी कहीं गुम सा हो गया है

वो पीली धुप की हंसी, नारंगी शामें, हर रंग गुमसुम सा हो गया है

काश वो रंग मिल जाते दुनिया की बाज़ार में

घुला लेती उन रंगों को अपने रंगहीन से प्यार में.

Once again....

 Hi All,

After many many years I am again here. I wanted to.... since long but couldn't manage. But I am going to come back again. May be with short stories, but I would. 

Hope you all appreciate and motivate me to keep writing.

See ya 

Yours

Me

I object

The day I started understanding different sectors of employment, I got to know or actually i was told that the royal sector is the government one.  What I learnt about this sector from television was that it provides a permanent stability in the life of an employee, It takes care of the employee after retirement and in addition employees have the luxury to take a nap in the afternoon on their chair (It was as projected in the television and as the rumor was spread that you get salary in this sector without doing any work).

Anyway, moving further, this misconception of mine was totally shattered when i was mature enough to understand sadness and tiredness of my father after he used to come back from his office. He is a retired government employee now.  He is happy that he retired, we too are happy because many a times we had seen his eyes drooped with sleepless nights, we had seen his effort to conceal his tears from us to be a perfect father. We knew that he is a hardworking man. We knew that he has enough knowledge of his area. In a nutshell we were confirmed that he could have never compromised with work. I can never forget that afternoon when papa had returned from office drenched with sweat. He missed out of words; he went silently to his room. Later, i got to know that one of the bureaucrats on an inspection had abused papa without any reason, just because that man held a position. Later we also got to know that he abused everyone who didn't belong to his caste. I had actually cursed that person from the core of my heart and i still hate that person. It's been more than 10 years but he is the first person in my life i loathe to the uttermost.

Days passed, years passed. I joined government sector, not as a permanent employee but as a contractual employee. So literally i was not a part of that royal sector but yes it was like half royal, if not true in the real sense at least true for someone looking it from far. I have witnessed the pressure a government employee faces to implement government schemes, i have witnessed  the feeling of the pressure regarding deadlines, i have witnessed  employees working more than office hours to complete the task. These experiences were helping me carve out a better professional from myself. Each day I was learning something. These things were honing my skills and helping me being professionally strong. But with all these experiences, i was having one more experience of seeing bureaucrats insulting officials, abusing them at office. I was evidence of people at power threatening juniors to snatch their job. Sometimes i felt like saying that s/he is not the one who has given the job, it's the skill of person that he has got this job. Many a times I felt that if a deadline is missed or if program is not implemented properly, the first thing people at power should do is to plan a better strategy to implement it, to think alternative solutions, to think innovative ideas. But, unfortunately i was evidence of the first thought of people sitting at power position and that was to fire the juniors. Are the deadlines going to be met if people are fired? Are the programs going to be implemented properly if people are fired? And for god sake, understand that people are here because there are one or other obligations, and that too personal, otherwise if talent is there sky is the limit.

One more unfortunate thing i witnessed was how self-respect of employees were crushed by people at power by using demeaning words, by taking advantage of one's helplessness. Does self-respect only belong to people sitting at powerful position? If an employee lack something and is not able to complete a task, people at power also lacks something...something which is ineffable....communication skill. A skill which should be taught to everyone from top to bottom because that is the skill using which you can win team or lose team. A skill which can cause victory or defeat.... a skill every leader should possess.

When I leave my home at 9, I don't lock it (self-respect) at home. I carry it with pride for my whole day and for my whole life. I have not given right to anybody to even touch my self-respect. I object the use of abusive language at workplace. I object percolation of frustration to the juniors. I object insult of employees. I object hurting one's self-respect. I object these things....I strongly object.

Past is never past

          Past is never past, it remains within.......

“I can assure that I have disconnected myself emotionally from my past, I have moved on but inside somewhere everything is present (not emotionally)....every moment I loved, and every moment I have endured, from which I have learnt and grew.”

He was like cloud. I was in love with those dusky days... windy... although dusty.... too busy waiting for rain to come. I never realized that it had actually obstructed bright days to come in my life. He had become part and parcel of my life. And there was no reason to be doubtful about.  Everyone knew him in my family. I was known and actually accepted by his family. But how things turned down.... everything is still uncanny to me.

It doesn’t seem that what I am mentioning had happened 23 years back. It seems that it has just passed and the reflection has yet not vanished from my eyeballs. I met Ankush when I took admission in the coaching which I had joined to prepare for medical examination after completing 12^th. I was 17. He was a year senior but since a year he was preparing for medical and had not taken admission in graduation. A very dedicated and brilliant student. He had prepared for medical for one year at home and to brush up his knowledge he had joined the coaching.  We were in the same batch. From the very first day I used to curse him for being in my batch. He was extra intelligent and would reply to questions without waiting for a second. He was not letting me comprehend the questions completely. Teachers used to praise him every time and I used to get jealous. He used to be very quiet..... but very focused. He was not arrogant and would take the complements gently. The classes were for 9 months. 2 months had passed. Day by day my anxiety level was increasing as I was not able to understand things in 2 months which had already passed. One of the reasons being Ankush, I used to get irritated whenever he stood to reply any question. Emotion mixed with jealousy, tension and irritation, I went to one of the mentors and told him to change my class as I was not able to grasp anything because of Ankush. He smiled and said that if you have someone available around you who can help you to reach your goal; you should be going to him and not away from him. He suggested me to take help from Ankush and clear all my doubts. He also suggested for group study which helps many a times if group consists of like minded people.

I remember it was a hot day, an afternoon in June when I had first confronted him. It was lunch time and we had been given 2 hours of self study time after lunch. I found him below the shade of the tree at the corner of the small garden of the institute. He had worn a striped shirt of white and light blue. His sleeves were folded till elbow. He had his eyes focussed on his book. It was a physics book, H.C. Verma, which he was solving. I went to him.

“Hi.... studying”?

“Hello... yes... I need to crack now; I have given enough time to preparation”. He replied

“Hmmm....actually I am here for some favour. Everyone says and even I feel that you are very brilliant. Can you please help me understand some chapters in physics and Chemistry?”

“That’s a compliment. No issue, I would help. We have two hours of self study time; you let me know what you want to know......it will help me revising old chapters. By the way…. Sorry but I don’t know your name.”

“Aasmi” I replied with a smile.

“Aasmi… nice name”. He smiled back… a friendly smile.

He was very good at explaining things. I asked him everything in which I had doubt and he never denied giving me time.

A month passed and I was getting hold on subjects now. Ankush was a great help. We were quiet a sort of friends now. Once in the same garden after clearing a doubt from Ankush I stumbled while returning. He held my wrist from one hand and waist from another.  I still remember his masculine hold on my waist and wrist. For a moment...i was held spellbound. I had never seen him that way but his touch compelled me to think in another direction than studies. Now I started noticing his height, his complexion....him. He was 5’10”, fair, average built.....overall good looking. I started giving attention to him and to myself... would wear colours which suited me, would put small bindi . I would daily go to him and ask questions, and when he explained I would look at his face….. so calm and appealing. I would deliberately touch his hand. He was also getting little comfortable with me. He would not mind taking pen from my hand without asking, he would not mind if his fingers touched my palm while taking the pen…. He would not even notice these things…. But I loved it….all these small things which helped me fantasising my whole life with Ankush. I wanted to stumble daily to get his hold… but I could never.

4 months had passed and with help of Ankush, I had got a grip on subjects.  In addition to that my affection towards him increased day by day. There was a mid-term test conducted after half of the syllabus had been covered. I and Ankush had scored a position in the class. Obviously.. he was 1^st. I was 3^rd and quite satisfied by my performance. Teacher’s day was going to come and we had planned to give a surprise party to our mentors. Since we could not take out time in the day time, we used to stay late and practice for songs, and dance which we were planning to perform. Party was planned on Teacher’s day i.e. 5^th September. On 4^th evening, we found we were running out of time as a hell lot of work like class decoration, speech of master of the ceremony, preparation for snacks etc was completely left. We planned to stay in the institute that night. We were 30 of us. Work was apportioned among all of us. I was a part of decoration team and so was Ankush (it was a coincident). 5 students were given responsibility of decorating the room. Everyone was busy in one or other work. It was 11’o clock and everyone was on fire to decorate the room. By 1’o clock room was almost ready and all five of us were sitting on the chair looking at the classroom which was embellished with balloons, craft papers and lot of flowers. At about 1:30, except me everyone started dozing off and slept on the chair itself. I looked at Ankush, he was almost asleep. I went outside on the terrace. It was breezy…. Extremely pleasant. I was enjoying the wind and suddenly I felt a familiar touch on my shoulder. I turned back. Ankush was standing behind me with his patent sleeve of his shirt folded till his elbow. I smiled at him.

“It is so pleasant here. I love wind” I said

“I love …..”

“ what…wind”

“No”

“Then??Night ??”

“you”

“Sorry????” I couldn’t believe it.

“I love you Aasmi. I liked you from the first day of the coaching. The way you used to enter the class room, the way you spoke, your gait, everything I noticed. I wanted to say you since many days but couldn’t gather courage.”

I kept on gazing him. I had no words to add to his thought. He had spoken my words, everything which I wanted to say. He had filched my word. Words couldn’t come out and I couldn’t control my emotions. I embraced him tightly. He wasn’t ready for that. He held me too, but not tightly. After two minutes, when I realized, I stepped back with my head bowed down. He came near and held my cheeks from his hands.

“What happened..... Nervous” He asked.

“Ankush.... if I tell you that I feel same for you, I know you won’t believe it but I do. From the day I stumbled and you held me, I wanted to stumble daily. I came to you with lot of questions, but sometimes I already knew many of them. It was just for pretext to come near you”

He laughed.  "God...good, it would help re-practicing, continue in future”. He laughed again.

I smiled and this time I embraced him again. His hold was tighter now. I hadn’t experienced more b’ful night than this in my life time. We were for another two hours in the terrace. There was no one except some mute spectators as sky and the stars which would twinkle now and often to mark their presence. We talked for about half an hour, held hands for another half an hour, hugged, left and again embraced for another half an hour and we kissed and smooched by end of 2^nd hour. At 4, we went inside, sat on two opposite chairs and tried to close our eyes but kept on gazing each other. By 6 everyone left for their home.

It was teacher’s day and we reached coaching at 11. All the classes were suspended as entire coaching was in party mood. I had a special reason to wear little more make up and look prettier than required in a teacher’s day. All the girls were told to wear sari. Although my height is 5’5” (not bad) but I looked taller and prettier in sari and that’s why I loved the dress code. I wore a sari of peacock colour (green, navy blue and light blue spread over the sari in a beautiful way). Matching Bindi and matching ear ring was adding beauty to it. Although I got many compliments that day but my eyes were searching for someone special and in a moment he was there. Although there was no particular dress code for boys but he had wore a long navy blue kurta on jeans, sleeves folded till his elbow. He looked at me and we both smiled.  I find the emotion worth mentioning as it was something different. It was as if I have seen the most valuable thing of my life. My heart was beating heavily. I had a mixed emotion of happiness, shyness and nervousness. I didn’t know the reason of either of these. He came to me.

 “B’ful choice” He siad

“Sari or earring”

“My choice is beautiful”. He said proudly.

“Mine too”. I winked.

Although the whole day was very cherishable however there is an incident worth mentioning here. I was taking out snacks. I took two plates in my hand and stood. Suddenly the Aanchal of my sari fell down. There was no place I could keep the plates back. I turned back and tried keeping the aanchal on place with the help of my elbow and chin. I was engrossed in doing that and somewhere from behind Ankush came. He held my Aanchal. My heart beat started playing drums. He came near me and stuck my Aanchal below the blouse near shoulder. His hand touched my bare shoulder inside the blouse. My lips were dry. I wanted to kiss him so much but I was stand still. He took both the plates from my hand and whispered in my ear “.... you look hot in Sari..... don’t do any such thing which force me to lose control over me. Drape it nicely”. He went with those two plates and I kept staring at him from back feeling his touch over my bare shoulder. Program got over by 6. Sky was going to get dark. Wind was cool. Everyone was wrapping up. I also got ready to leave. Ankush called me on my mobile and told that he is waiting for me in the terrace. I went. He was standing in the same place where we had spent a beautiful night a day before. He said he just wanted to hug me in Sari before I leave. I went near him. He came closer. He put his hand around my naked waist and rubbed my back. I held him and hid my face inside his chest. He kissed on my forehead and we left.

Life had again come back to square. Studies, studies and studies from next day. The only change which had come that I had someone in the coaching who used to show concern for me and with whom I used to sit and study.  Amid all this, I had introduced Ankush to my parents and I met Ankush’s parents too. I think both of our parents had the hunch and both of them were quite ok about us. I was putting all my effort to crack the exam as I had understood the passion of Ankush for a doctor. In the last day of coaching I was little sad for I would not be able to meet him daily but he consoled saying that these days of separation would help us in lifelong togetherness. I was happy to listen that. Lifelong togetherness....... It was not only me who was thinking about spending whole life together.

I had cried lot when result came out. I had not cleared the exam. However, for Ankush I was both happy and sad. Happy… as he had cleared exam and sad as he would go away and we won’t be able to meet. He called me and told me not to lose hope. He consoled me saying that he also prepared for two years and he is sure that next year I would be able to compete. That gave me strength. His each word was panacea for me. I started studying with all the effort I could give. The day he left for his medical college, I went to drop him to station. He used to call me daily thereafter and most of the time guided me how to study. I missed him intensely. He said he also does but he didn’t want to distract me from my studies. Phone calls reduced from daily to alternate day to thrice a week. Whenever I complained he would cite all his hostel business and vast course of 1^st year and also how I would not understand these things. I stopped complaining. He came home twice that year, both for 10 days. Those days were like heavy rain for the peacock who had been left alone in a dry place. In the 2^nd visit, I had met his parents also. Although they knew me but I had gone especially to meet them, actually to remind them that I was in Ankush’s life. They were very nice to me. Although there was no discussion on the marriage part but they had asked my future plans and I had told them that I was preparing for medical. They were pleased to listen that. His reducing number of phone calls didn’t matter to me because I had a long run plan.

Exams were coming and every time he would call he would give me a long lecture to concentrate and on the topics I should be studying before exam. Even I wanted to clear my exam….. for Ankush. I could not clear it. I called him when result was out. Inspite of consoling he had talked in such a way as if I was of no use and the biggest sin I have done by not clearing the exam. He didn’t talk to me for next 20 days. I was very upset. He called me after 20 days and felt sorry for not calling me.

“ Aasmi…. I was confident that you would clear this time…. I was upset but I am sorry, I should not have behaved this way” He had said. It was pacifying.

“That’s ok”. I said

“What’s the plan now? Don’t lose hope. It was just a second try”

“Ya… but I would take admission in graduation, I cannot take any more risk now”

“Where?”

“Not yet thought, let’s see the forms are out for which colleges. They take entrances now days even for graduation.”

“Ok, let me know if you need any support…. And don’t worry”

“ya”

“ok, then I will sleep. Good night”

“Good night….. Listen”

“Hmmm??”

“I love u, it’s been month dat you said so”

“Love u too. Sleep now” It was palliative.

After many days I had a sound sleep that day. I started applying in the colleges for graduation. There were many options. One of them was psychology. The study of psychology teaches how humans think and the way in which humans arrive at decisions or behaviours. The subject had captivated me and thus I chose to pursue psychology in graduation. I took admission in one of the best colleges of our state, worth mentioning in the same city where Ankush was. Side by side my preparation for medical was going on. I was riveted by the subject I was pursuing and was gradually losing interest in medical. The only reason to continue to prepare for medical was Ankush. Although we used to meet every evening, but meeting him every evening and be with him whole day and in the same hostel.... the latter itself was a tickling thought for me.

As the days passed, he expressed his inability to meet me daily due to demanding nature of his studies. I understood his problem. I was also getting busy in psychology. Freud and Erickson started taking all my time and my medical preparation was left behind. Five months later I finally decided to take the profession as a psychologist in future rather than a doctor. I was not repenting for my decision as I had actually liked the subject.

“What is this crap psychologist”. He shouted at me on phone.

“What's the problem in being a psychologist. That’s a respectable job and most important, I want to do it. Even my parents don’t find any problem with it” I replied

“To hell with your parents... I damn care. Keep on preparing for medical”

“Mind your language”. And I hung up the phone.

For next 10 days, we didn’t talk to each other. He called after 10 days to say sorry. I was deeply hurt. Thereafter I reduced calling him and many a times I avoided meeting him. Most probably he understood. He started calling me daily. Every hour there would be a loving message on my phone with lot of sorry emoticons. He would send me funny jokes to make me laugh. One day I received a bouquet with a letter. It was from Ankush.

“Dear Aasmi,

Lots of love!

I am writing to you because it takes lot of courage to stand in front of you and accept the mistake and I don’t have the courage. I am really really sorry for the words I used for your parents. But, truly speaking it was not a deliberate choice of words for your parents. It was my frustration towards you. Trust me. I respect your parents and I always will. I know you are deeply hurt but as I cannot retrieve my words, I can only apologize. Your silence is killing me.

Come back.

Only yours

Ankush.”

I had called him that night and we talked for about half an hour. I was getting back to normal. We met thrice that week. He was very good to me. He also asked about my studies and about the semester exams. I thought he had accepted my decision of being a psychologist. When forms for medical exam came out, he had called me to fill the form but I denied. He again didn’t talk to me for a week. This time I had called him after 7 days. He didn’t talk lovingly but he was Okay. Our relationship was just moving on. We met twice a week and called each other whenever necessary. He was in 4th year when I finished my graduation with 92.5% marks. I was very happy. He was the first person whom I called to share the news. His reaction was very mild.

“Aren’t you happy for me” I had asked him.

“What is there to be happy about Aasmi. It was just a graduation. It wasn’t medical exam which you have cracked” he was rude

“By the way you have done well. Congrats” He added.

“Thanks”. I hung up the phone. I took admission in Masters in the same college.

I could sense the increasing distance between us. But I thought that study is taking all his time and thus he is not able to give me time. Although somewhere I had formed conjecture that I might not get Ankush but was denying to accept the fact. We continued meeting but it was no more romantic. It was like a routine which both of us followed religiously. There were days when we used to spend whole day but our conversation didn’t finish. Now, within half an hour, we kept quiet as none of us had anything to say. I had lot to say him, about me, my college, my accomplishments... but I knew he hardly bothered. It was obviously not a medical college. My parents had started asking about my marriage and indirectly they wanted to know about the consent of Ankush. I was giving them excuses and had asked for one more year so that he finishes his internship and I finish my masters.

It was 8-9 months left to finish my college and his internship that I started noticing change in him. When he would come to meet me, he would talk about his college. (Earlier he found it insulting to talk about his medical college to a non-medical student). He would talk about his time table in college, his friends both male and female and Kirti, an intern in the same hospital from where Ankush was doing internship. Ankush mentioned  about her every time whenever we met. He shared that Kirti had scored a state level position in the medical exam and has been a very good student consistently. However, he would always add that they were only friends and that would give me relief.

Final exam of my Masters and end of his internship were almost clashing. I was leaving for my home town 15 days ago than Ankush. The day I gave my last paper, I went to meet him. We met at a restaurant.

“I am leaving day after. When will you come?”I had asked him

“I will also be there by end of this month”. He replied.

“Ankush..... what have you planned for future?”

“You know that.... I told you I have already got a job. I will do that and I will prepare for MS”. He said.

“ Hmmm... that I know. “ I said quietly

“And your plan” He asked

“I have also a job in my hand as a psychologist. I will apply for PhD now”

“That’s cool”

“ Ankush when are we getting married? I have been avoiding my parents’ question, but now I have to reply something. We can continue studying even after marriage and at present we both have jobs to sustain nicely”. I said everything in one go.

He kept on looking me for sometime in a very surprised way and then replied

“Why the hell do you think I’ll marry you? How can you think that. You deserve a lawyer, a teacher or a clerk may be a psychologist.... but obviously not a doctor. Listen Aasmi you cannot use our friendship in such a way. You should be understanding that as a doctor, I would want a doctor wife, not just any one like you.”

“ So, what was going on  all these years, from coaching till today?”

“Look, I liked you but you couldn’t prove yourself. That’s not my fault. I had given you chance twice and then had asked to try for 3^rd time. You were stonewalled on my proposal”

“ Proof? Proof of what that I’m a doctor material and how do you know that a doctor will always be a good wife”

“I am no mood to argue Aasmi, I have to meet Kirti too.”

I had understood. Education broadens ones mind which I couldn’t see in his case. He was such a narrow minded person. Moreover, I was also astonished by his last letter in which he had written to come back. Why he had to call me and push me back. Why he had tried so much to make me happy. He could have just left me. These questions were mysterious to me. That was the last day I met him. I went home and informed everyone about Ankush’s decision. Everyone was hurt at my home but they wanted me to be happy. I started getting pressure for my marriage which I didn’t want to do.  “Forget and move on”, I had heard this line so many times that it started irritating me. I knew that everyone wanted me to be happy but I wanted to tell them that there is no “UNDO” in our life and if we cannot undo it, it will go together with me, wherever I go. I can add something in it but it will be present in the page of my life.

“It is not only those days and memories that hurt, but the days following after you went and insensitivity of people around that hurts equally”

I never married, not because I couldn’t find a better person than Ankush or I was not able to move on, but because all those 7 years he was someone whom I loved and trusted, with whom I had spent some very very special moments, some Hindi songs of those years still remind me of him. He changed. I didn’t. Trusting again someone is little difficult. Also, I had more important works to do in my life than to marry someone. I didn’t put a full stop in my life. I moved on. Completed my Phd, and got a job of professor in a very renowned college. As a psychologist I earned name, fame and wealth. And I have to go on.  I check his facebook sometimes. He couldn’t clear his MS I suppose, as he is a physician with no specialized degree. He married Kirti....Dr. Kirti. She is a gynaecologist and more famous than Ankush.  From a common friend I got to know that their relationship is very disturbed and soon they are going to get legally separated. Most probably because Ankush was left much behind Kirti’s name and fame as a doctor and he doesn’t like that.

It was last night in an event when I met Ankush again after 15 years. He was a participant and I was invited as a chief guest. After the event, he came to me with his youngest 3 yr old daughter.

“after so many years...you haven’t changed a bit..... same smile, same gait” He had said.

“your daughter is pretty. What’s her name?

He taught me psychology more than the books. He taught me change in human behaviour with live examples. He taught me the meaning of Id, Ego and superego more than any book. I thank him for that. There is no point in keeping grudges. It won’t affect him and I don’t want to have any negative effect on me. He also taught me that sometimes there are mysteries in life, we should always try to solve it but never let it entangle us. May be he was the way to lead me to a successful life. His neglect inspired me to go extra miles and I went. Somewhere he is still behind my success.

“Aasmi” He said

“I missed you” He added.

“Hmmm” I smiled “You don’t realize the importance of breathing, until you have difficulty doing it. you feel more strongly to have that. Oh! You won’t understand. It’s psychology”. I left the party.

                                                                                                                         My journey continues.......................

Mazda

Mazda

Happiness doesn’t come to us automatically,

It has to be created and recreated.....

All my life I had been pampered being a single daughter of my parents. Although my brother was also a single son, however I should confess that I was more pampered than my brother and I was a spoiled brat.  We belonged to an upper middle class family, a class which is rich but obviously cannot compete with Birla and Ambani and that’s why cannot be called rich. I lived with my parents and my younger brother in Jamshedpur, Jharkhand. Dad works in Steel city as a high rank officer. I don’t remember any of mine single demand which wasn’t fulfilled since my childhood and that’s why I have used the word spoiled brat for me. Yes, I was….. I didn’t understand the value of money, value of family, value of being together, value of each moment I lived. But I understood it....after existing in this world for 21 years, I understood how to live and be thankful for what I have received without asking for it, thankful for a life so beautiful..... Thankful for meeting Mazda.

After completing my graduation with Arts; literature, history and political science being my subjects (I love literature and wished to build my career in the same field) I planned to move to Delhi for my further studies.  Truly speaking, my purpose of coming to Delhi was not just the educational reason, but it was also one of my undue demands of asking an expensive car from my dad. He shouted at me for my extravagance. Upon denial and actually because I was not ready for this shouting, I got so angry that I couldn’t bear to spend one more day there with him.  Moreover, I had a good chance of taking admission in Delhi and thus I left. I remember that I didn’t talk to him even when I reached Delhi. After a week or so, I talked to him but my anger had overpowered that conversation. Our conversation confined to the expenses which I would be doing in Delhi, which directly reflected the amount he had to send me.

I came to Delhi to pursue my masters. I got admission for political science in one of the colleges of Delhi University. Although subject wasn’t much of my interest and was the third choice I had given in the application but then there were no other options available. I couldn’t get a hostel too as I was too late to apply for a room. My hunt for a room near my college started. I was well aware of my nature of not getting too much friendly with anyone soon and thus I wanted a separate one room set where I could enjoy my loneliness. After a search of 6 and half days I finally got a house near my college (2 kms away, not that near). It was a private bungalow of a Punjabi family. The family which consisted of wife, husband and their 3 children (2 daughters and a son) stayed in the upper floor while I stayed in the ground floor.  There was a basement for car parking and a small room, which I suppose was to store the accessories of generators, motors etc.

It took me a week to fully set in that 2 bedroom flat. My classes were yet to start and thus I would spend late afternoon and evening in the terrace with not a very panoramic view of road and a small but scenic garden attached to the bungalow. It was owned by my house owner. Often I observed that six children used to play in the garden who entered the bungalow after playing. Three of them looked foreigners and they talked in some other language with each other but with the children of landlord, they used to talk in English. The children were well behaved and wouldn’t make a lot of noise and thus I never felt disturbance. Later I noticed that these children go to basement after playing. After some days I got to know that the room which was supposed to store accessories of generator and motor, owing to its no-ventillation and no air- service, serves as a home for a family of four, a mother and her 3 children, 2 sons and a daughter.

Her face was tranquil. She was not more than 25 or 26. There was not even a tinge of make up on her face but someone has well said “beauty lies in simplicity”. She was exceptionally beautiful. Her thin body frame and snow white complexion had enhanced her beauty.  She had dark brown eyes, a legacy which was passed on to all her children.  Her straight nose and thin pink lips were as if that she was moulded from a machine by an expert engineer without any mistake. Although I am not a very amicable person, however I had an urge to meet her, to talk to her ... to know about her. I first confronted her while I was taking a move to my college and she was going for her work.

“Hi..” I said. “I am Titiksha. I live in first floor.

“Hello... I am Mazda”. She smiled. She had covered herself from head to toe except her face which was visible from half of her forehead to chin.

“You are going somewhere”? I asked

“Yes... to my workplace, a chemist shop near by. And you?”

“College”. I replied back. She invited me to her house sometime. I accepted it happily.

Next Sunday at about 11 in the morning, I went to basement and knocked the door of her room. It was her daughter who opened the door. She smiled at me and called her mother “mauther.... Aunty aste”. She came out behind the curtain wiping her hand. Smilingly she offered me to sit. There were two mattresses in the room, one arranged horizontally and another vertically making a L-shape in the corner of the room. Other than this there was a small TV, a fan and a light in the room. There were two racks one of which was filled with books, most probably of her children and on the another rack there was a small decorative box and two photo frames, one consisted of a photo of her three children and another had a photo of her with her husband I guess. She was looking extremely pretty in the photo. Room was completely covered with carpet and there were no film of dust anywhere my eyesight reached. I could also see a small space divided by a flimsy curtain which worked as a kitchen. Bathroom was at another corner of the room. Since there was no ventilation or window for external light and air, light and fan of her room was on giving it a night effect. Although my measurement is not that strong that I can measure the room but one can comprehend size of the room by the fact that other than above mentioned belongings, there was not a place to keep even a single stool or chair. The empty space in the middle of the room beside the mattress was enough for 3 persons to sit on the floor. She got tea and some biscuits for me. I had only tea. It was very different from what we drink.... a bit similar to green tea. I left within half an hour. She and her children spoke in English with me.

I got to know that they were from Afghanistan and was residing in India as refugees. She explained that they had threat to their life from some powerful forces and thus they fled to India. It was clear from her conversation that she had a luxurious life in Afghanistan.  In front of her children and understanding the fact that this was my first visit to her house I didn’t feel like probing into details. However her living condition had provoked a thought in my mind about how gruesome situation must be that she was forced to stay in such a small room.

We often met now....while going out, while coming back, while walking after dinner. I had invited her many times but she couldn’t get time and often she apologized for that. One Sunday afternoon she came after lunch time. When she entered she looked at my big hall with a capacity of accommodating at least 30 persons. She had no emotion on her face but I felt guilty of wasting so much of resources when a whole family has to survive in a room which is not bigger than my bathroom. Truly speaking.... I had never thought in this way.... I was startled at my thought... my sudden change of views and perspectives. I made coffee and we both sat on sofa. I told her about me and my family who were in Jamshedpur. She asked me about the subject I had taken in master. She told me that back home she had studied till 12^th and had studied science. And thus it was easier for her to find a job in a chemist shop as she understood the composition of the medicines.

That day she went down the memory lane and shared her life experiences. Her husband, who was working with an American company as a second class officer, was killed by Talibans. Mazda started teaching to small children back home to survive, but within a fortnight she had received a letter threatening her to leave her job. She continued because she had to die either way. Once while going to school, she was abducted. There was an attempt of rape. She managed to run away. That was her last night in Afghanistan. With the help of some smugglers, she arranged to cross the border illegally leaving her 3 storey house and a farm of dry fruits, keeping a hope in her eyes that someday, when there will be no terror of Taliban, she would come back with her children to her house, to her farm.

She kept quiet for a moment. “That’s life. One or other thing goes on. And we have to accept it. Past is now a past for me. It left me and I left it. Present is important for me. I have my three children and I have to shape their future.” She smiled.

A whole beautiful life slipped from her hand and she smiled. I remember the car incident and a loud discussion of why should I be having it with my dad and felt bad about it. We feel so overburdened with our problems that every other issue seems small. We get entangled in lot of issues...oh sorry for wrong word; we entangle ourselves with lot of issues and sometime no issues. We get so desperate that despite of looking for solutions, we keep on thinking about severity of the problem and stop smiling and stop living. I saluted her... a lady who fought every situations with panache. She had made her big problems so simple that the severest of severe problem looked small to her.

“I have heard little about Taliban.... what’s their main agenda? How do everything started?”I was inquisitive.

“It all intensified when US military command, greatly concerned at the increasing soviet intrusion in Afghanistan, chose to support to the hilt the rabid fundamentalist group, The Taliban. The endeavour met with tremendous success, the Mullahs leading the Taliban annihilated ruthlessly the Left leaning elements and took total charge of the country. What ill luck, they now turned on the American and waited to drive out these foreigners, too, from their country. American troops were killed in huge numbers. Americans optimistically organized some sort of democratic election and installed a government of its choice in Kabul. But the Taliban continue to give them no peace; the fundamentalist are in control of most of the country side and organize every now and then daring raids targeting strategic spots in Kabul itself. The US response is to further intensify bombing; scores of more people are dying every day, the country lies in ruins, animosity towards the American mounts. Innocent Afghan people are suffering.*

(*Courtsey:  Newspaper Telegraph dated 11^th Dec 2015, Page no-12)

Animosity between countries has ruined life of common and innocent people. Now ISIS has emerged as more powerful than Taliban but the torture continues. Even if they triumph over Taliban, for common people it would be like jumping out of the fire into the frying pan.”

“Hmmm... How do you know all these things”. I was startled at her knowledge.

I don’t know the P of Indian politics. I added

“You are lucky that you don’t have to know all these things. I wish Allah never shows you such day that you need to get knowledge about all these things. By the way...you have taken political science as your subject.... right?” She asked

“ Ya, but that was my last choice” I replied innocently. She smiled.

“What was your first choice?”

“ Literature, I like literature... but couldn’t get it. Missed the deadline by two days” I replied.

“ political science is an interesting subject. Once you start giving time to it, you won’t like anything else.” She loved talking about studies, about surroundings, about politics. She was a sensible lady with a balanced personality.

“ How do you know English? Even your children speak fluent English. You studied in convent?” I had asked once while walking in the garden.

“We learnt it here. There is an NGO which supports refugees through various means. We have learnt it from there”

“That’s nice!!!”

“Ya, we are grateful for that, I remember some initial days with no money, no food and no knowledge of language. But... it passed.” She didn’t say it was painful. I loved this about her.

“Now I know a bit of Hindi too, my children don’t know. But they would soon learn in school”. She was happy to inform.

How she used to get happy for every small things... how she used to decorate her small home.... how she used to be excited for a small gift if she bought for her children. Although, I should be removing every “small” from the statement as it was big for her... very big. I remember the marks of my first class test, I had scored 73 out of 100, not bad but about more than 12 classmates had scored more than me. If I was that old Titiksha, I would not had paid any heed to it, but now I was happy. I had called dad and shared my marks. He too blessed me and said that if I continue like this I can leave everyone behind (Considering the fact that I didn’t like political science).  It is such a joy to make someone else happy. And it is such a joy to be happy for every good thing life gives you.

I remember when I had shared with her my main reason to shift to Delhi (about the scolding dad had given). She had smiled and said that she should be thankful to my dad that he created that opportunity to introduce me to you.

“I was very angry that day when he scolded. Although I am calm now but I still get upset when I think of how dad scolded me for such a small thing.”

“First of all it was not a small thing, it was a big thing. Ask how big it is who cannot afford a cycle.”.

She was not pointing towards herself. It was not in her habit. But I was ashamed. 15 lakhs..... its actually a big amount.

“That’s true that he should not have scolded you but convinced you about how you are wrong”, she said “ but you shouldn’t keep grudges for so long. It makes the relationship bitter. I am sure you love your Dad... love goes along with respect and trust. You should have respected his decision”. I realized my mistake.

“Titiksha.... means forgiveness right? I liked your name and I googled the meaning”. She didn’t add a word but a big silence to it and another lesson for me to learn.

She had come to my house that day. She had taken leave from her work. She wasn’t feeling well. After resting a bit, she came to me. I prepared two cups of tea and we were enjoying it in the warm afternoon of December month in Delhi. Suddenly her phone rang, which was kept on the centre table. A number displayed on phone which started with +93. The number was of Afghanistan.

“Balai” She received and spoke. There was a female voice from the other side. I could hear little bit and comprehend that.

“Chutur aste khala jaan, khub aste (How are you Aunt? Are you fine?). She was chirping like a bird. But then suddenly her face was ashen and drawn in a look of pain. She kept her phone down on the table and closed her eyes pushing herself on the chair. I held her hand.

“I had a big house in Afghanistan, which I had to lock and run away. I was always hopeful that one day I will return to my house, after things and situation would ameliorate. Last Night Taliban ransacked my house and today morning they burnt it”.  I could sense the whiff of sadness in her tone.

I brought a glass of water for her. She took a sip of it. I knew that was not the right time to dig that issue. I wanted to console and change the subject but she stood to go.

“Sit for a while with me. Why you have to rush.” I had asked her.

“This is my Namaaz time”

“Mazda... why do you offer 5 times Namaz religiously? What has Allah given to you”

“Same thing which god has given you... blessings and wisdom. I have to thank him for the life he has given me to spend with my children, I have to thank him for introducing you where I could share all my issues, I have to thank him that I had breakfast today morning and I have to thank him to make me capable so that I can arrange dinner for night. I have to thank him that I and my children were not there in the house.

I wonder is this the situation which has made her rough and tough or she was like this only. I respected Mazda for everything she was doing but mainly for her courage, for her unabatable enthusiasm to fight with the odds and keep floundering.

She never asked for any support and neither liked if I offered any help. She had politely asked not to offer eatables to children when I had started giving them biscuit and chocolate daily. She told me that I want my children to understand the situation and grow.

I remember that night when she had come to me to ask for INR 15000. She had tears in her eyes. Without me asking anything she told that Aja (her youngest daughter) has high fever. She has pneumonia and need to be in the hospital for 3 days.  I gave her money and went to hospital with her. Doctor told that she had hypoxia and thus is kept on inhaler. We saw her from a small window. She was lying on the bed unconscious, unruffled. I turned back, Mazda was murmuring something. It was Ayat of Quran I suppose.  Her ashen face had turned dark yellow. She looked at me and smiled. I was surprised but smiled back.

“Aja will be alright”, she said. God has been very kind to me always and I have always trusted him for his kindness. He cannot prove himself wrong. Aja was back home within 4 days. I am not an atheist but this time I am sure that it was her belief more than the blessings of Allah. She returned 5000 rs in the same month and promised to return all the money on an installment basis. I told her not to worry actually I didn’t want to take it back but I knew she would not like it. She started returning 1000 every month and spent two more hours outside to arrange for this extra money. She didn’t tell me anything but landlord told me that she has taken some job in a beauty parlour nearby. She washed utensils and cleaned the parlour at the end of the day to earn little more and return my money. I felt very bad.

I finished my masters and had started applying for M.phill. I had also got a job in Mumbai and thus was preparing to shift to Mumbai. I had 8 more days to go and I had started packing things. One evening, after her work she had come to ask whether I need any help. I knew I would miss her, I invited her to dine together at my place. She refused but I insisted. Finally she agreed. I also forced her to sleep at my place along with her children so that we could talk late at night. It was a weekend next day. I ordered sweets from outside and prepared chicken, fried Rice and roti at home. I must say, I hadn’t had better dinner than this ever. Looking at her children’s face who were enjoying the meal was gratifying. For some moments, there was no tension on Mazda’s face. It was a bliss. After the children slept, I took out my clothes to arrange in a suitcase and made her sit on sofa. Although she asked to lend her support but I told her to rest.

“will you miss me?” I had asked her

“very much.... hope we will be in touch”

“Yes... but ofcourse. What about your resettlement”?

“Allah knows”

“All the best.... wherever you will be, you will always be happy”. I said from the core of my heart.

“Thanks.... I wish you decide to do double masters and spend two more years with me... may be this time in English literature”

“good idea...” and we both laughed.

“I am very worried whether I would get admission in M.phill or not.” I told her.

“If you have hope, you can cope with all the problems.” Platonically she had summarized her entire ideology in a sentence.

She had hope in every circumstances, when people fall and break, she stood for her children.

“What is the meaning of your name?” I had asked her once.

“Wisdom”. She told

“You have been named aptly” I told. She smiled.

If I had to mention what I learnt from Mazda, it would take a life to explain that actually I learnt the meaning of life from her.

I remember when I was 4or 5 our teachers used to make us pray

“Thank you god for world so sweet, thank you god for food we eat, thank you god for birds that sing, thank you god for everything”. This was just a 4 lines for me which I used to recite daily in the school to please my teachers, but could never understand it. Now after 19 years I recited it again from the core of my heart and I am thankful to Mazda to make me understand the meaning of this poem. I am thankful to god to shower her blessings on me ever. I am thankful for the sunlight which enters my home because there are some home which are not that lucky. I am thankful for the wind which I enjoy very much, because people die in its absence. I care about people and value the meaning of my name.

It’s been 2 years and I am in touch with her. Her children are studying in a private school nearby under underprivileged quota. She has not heard anything about her resettlement as yet. Sometimes when I ask that why don’t they resettle you, she says very politely “May be somebody needs it more than I do.” I am again startled at the courage of this lady. Now I don’t waste food because I understand that somewhere some Mazda would be fighting to get food for her children. I celebrate togetherness with my family because I understand that when family is not together, how painful the situation is. I understand that if my brother, who is now an engineer or my father comes late on my b’day, it’s not their choice, they might be doing some extra work for me or my family. I understand that happiness is from within and it comes from togetherness and not from materialistic things. That car is no more in my wish list.