I object

The day I started understanding different sectors of employment, I got to know or actually i was told that the royal sector is the government one.  What I learnt about this sector from television was that it provides a permanent stability in the life of an employee, It takes care of the employee after retirement and in addition employees have the luxury to take a nap in the afternoon on their chair (It was as projected in the television and as the rumor was spread that you get salary in this sector without doing any work).

Anyway, moving further, this misconception of mine was totally shattered when i was mature enough to understand sadness and tiredness of my father after he used to come back from his office. He is a retired government employee now.  He is happy that he retired, we too are happy because many a times we had seen his eyes drooped with sleepless nights, we had seen his effort to conceal his tears from us to be a perfect father. We knew that he is a hardworking man. We knew that he has enough knowledge of his area. In a nutshell we were confirmed that he could have never compromised with work. I can never forget that afternoon when papa had returned from office drenched with sweat. He missed out of words; he went silently to his room. Later, i got to know that one of the bureaucrats on an inspection had abused papa without any reason, just because that man held a position. Later we also got to know that he abused everyone who didn't belong to his caste. I had actually cursed that person from the core of my heart and i still hate that person. It's been more than 10 years but he is the first person in my life i loathe to the uttermost.

Days passed, years passed. I joined government sector, not as a permanent employee but as a contractual employee. So literally i was not a part of that royal sector but yes it was like half royal, if not true in the real sense at least true for someone looking it from far. I have witnessed the pressure a government employee faces to implement government schemes, i have witnessed  the feeling of the pressure regarding deadlines, i have witnessed  employees working more than office hours to complete the task. These experiences were helping me carve out a better professional from myself. Each day I was learning something. These things were honing my skills and helping me being professionally strong. But with all these experiences, i was having one more experience of seeing bureaucrats insulting officials, abusing them at office. I was evidence of people at power threatening juniors to snatch their job. Sometimes i felt like saying that s/he is not the one who has given the job, it's the skill of person that he has got this job. Many a times I felt that if a deadline is missed or if program is not implemented properly, the first thing people at power should do is to plan a better strategy to implement it, to think alternative solutions, to think innovative ideas. But, unfortunately i was evidence of the first thought of people sitting at power position and that was to fire the juniors. Are the deadlines going to be met if people are fired? Are the programs going to be implemented properly if people are fired? And for god sake, understand that people are here because there are one or other obligations, and that too personal, otherwise if talent is there sky is the limit.

One more unfortunate thing i witnessed was how self-respect of employees were crushed by people at power by using demeaning words, by taking advantage of one's helplessness. Does self-respect only belong to people sitting at powerful position? If an employee lack something and is not able to complete a task, people at power also lacks something...something which is ineffable....communication skill. A skill which should be taught to everyone from top to bottom because that is the skill using which you can win team or lose team. A skill which can cause victory or defeat.... a skill every leader should possess.

When I leave my home at 9, I don't lock it (self-respect) at home. I carry it with pride for my whole day and for my whole life. I have not given right to anybody to even touch my self-respect. I object the use of abusive language at workplace. I object percolation of frustration to the juniors. I object insult of employees. I object hurting one's self-respect. I object these things....I strongly object.

Past is never past

          Past is never past, it remains within.......

“I can assure that I have disconnected myself emotionally from my past, I have moved on but inside somewhere everything is present (not emotionally)....every moment I loved, and every moment I have endured, from which I have learnt and grew.”

He was like cloud. I was in love with those dusky days... windy... although dusty.... too busy waiting for rain to come. I never realized that it had actually obstructed bright days to come in my life. He had become part and parcel of my life. And there was no reason to be doubtful about.  Everyone knew him in my family. I was known and actually accepted by his family. But how things turned down.... everything is still uncanny to me.

It doesn’t seem that what I am mentioning had happened 23 years back. It seems that it has just passed and the reflection has yet not vanished from my eyeballs. I met Ankush when I took admission in the coaching which I had joined to prepare for medical examination after completing 12^th. I was 17. He was a year senior but since a year he was preparing for medical and had not taken admission in graduation. A very dedicated and brilliant student. He had prepared for medical for one year at home and to brush up his knowledge he had joined the coaching.  We were in the same batch. From the very first day I used to curse him for being in my batch. He was extra intelligent and would reply to questions without waiting for a second. He was not letting me comprehend the questions completely. Teachers used to praise him every time and I used to get jealous. He used to be very quiet..... but very focused. He was not arrogant and would take the complements gently. The classes were for 9 months. 2 months had passed. Day by day my anxiety level was increasing as I was not able to understand things in 2 months which had already passed. One of the reasons being Ankush, I used to get irritated whenever he stood to reply any question. Emotion mixed with jealousy, tension and irritation, I went to one of the mentors and told him to change my class as I was not able to grasp anything because of Ankush. He smiled and said that if you have someone available around you who can help you to reach your goal; you should be going to him and not away from him. He suggested me to take help from Ankush and clear all my doubts. He also suggested for group study which helps many a times if group consists of like minded people.

I remember it was a hot day, an afternoon in June when I had first confronted him. It was lunch time and we had been given 2 hours of self study time after lunch. I found him below the shade of the tree at the corner of the small garden of the institute. He had worn a striped shirt of white and light blue. His sleeves were folded till elbow. He had his eyes focussed on his book. It was a physics book, H.C. Verma, which he was solving. I went to him.

“Hi.... studying”?

“Hello... yes... I need to crack now; I have given enough time to preparation”. He replied

“Hmmm....actually I am here for some favour. Everyone says and even I feel that you are very brilliant. Can you please help me understand some chapters in physics and Chemistry?”

“That’s a compliment. No issue, I would help. We have two hours of self study time; you let me know what you want to know......it will help me revising old chapters. By the way…. Sorry but I don’t know your name.”

“Aasmi” I replied with a smile.

“Aasmi… nice name”. He smiled back… a friendly smile.

He was very good at explaining things. I asked him everything in which I had doubt and he never denied giving me time.

A month passed and I was getting hold on subjects now. Ankush was a great help. We were quiet a sort of friends now. Once in the same garden after clearing a doubt from Ankush I stumbled while returning. He held my wrist from one hand and waist from another.  I still remember his masculine hold on my waist and wrist. For a moment...i was held spellbound. I had never seen him that way but his touch compelled me to think in another direction than studies. Now I started noticing his height, his complexion....him. He was 5’10”, fair, average built.....overall good looking. I started giving attention to him and to myself... would wear colours which suited me, would put small bindi . I would daily go to him and ask questions, and when he explained I would look at his face….. so calm and appealing. I would deliberately touch his hand. He was also getting little comfortable with me. He would not mind taking pen from my hand without asking, he would not mind if his fingers touched my palm while taking the pen…. He would not even notice these things…. But I loved it….all these small things which helped me fantasising my whole life with Ankush. I wanted to stumble daily to get his hold… but I could never.

4 months had passed and with help of Ankush, I had got a grip on subjects.  In addition to that my affection towards him increased day by day. There was a mid-term test conducted after half of the syllabus had been covered. I and Ankush had scored a position in the class. Obviously.. he was 1^st. I was 3^rd and quite satisfied by my performance. Teacher’s day was going to come and we had planned to give a surprise party to our mentors. Since we could not take out time in the day time, we used to stay late and practice for songs, and dance which we were planning to perform. Party was planned on Teacher’s day i.e. 5^th September. On 4^th evening, we found we were running out of time as a hell lot of work like class decoration, speech of master of the ceremony, preparation for snacks etc was completely left. We planned to stay in the institute that night. We were 30 of us. Work was apportioned among all of us. I was a part of decoration team and so was Ankush (it was a coincident). 5 students were given responsibility of decorating the room. Everyone was busy in one or other work. It was 11’o clock and everyone was on fire to decorate the room. By 1’o clock room was almost ready and all five of us were sitting on the chair looking at the classroom which was embellished with balloons, craft papers and lot of flowers. At about 1:30, except me everyone started dozing off and slept on the chair itself. I looked at Ankush, he was almost asleep. I went outside on the terrace. It was breezy…. Extremely pleasant. I was enjoying the wind and suddenly I felt a familiar touch on my shoulder. I turned back. Ankush was standing behind me with his patent sleeve of his shirt folded till his elbow. I smiled at him.

“It is so pleasant here. I love wind” I said

“I love …..”

“ what…wind”

“No”

“Then??Night ??”

“you”

“Sorry????” I couldn’t believe it.

“I love you Aasmi. I liked you from the first day of the coaching. The way you used to enter the class room, the way you spoke, your gait, everything I noticed. I wanted to say you since many days but couldn’t gather courage.”

I kept on gazing him. I had no words to add to his thought. He had spoken my words, everything which I wanted to say. He had filched my word. Words couldn’t come out and I couldn’t control my emotions. I embraced him tightly. He wasn’t ready for that. He held me too, but not tightly. After two minutes, when I realized, I stepped back with my head bowed down. He came near and held my cheeks from his hands.

“What happened..... Nervous” He asked.

“Ankush.... if I tell you that I feel same for you, I know you won’t believe it but I do. From the day I stumbled and you held me, I wanted to stumble daily. I came to you with lot of questions, but sometimes I already knew many of them. It was just for pretext to come near you”

He laughed.  "God...good, it would help re-practicing, continue in future”. He laughed again.

I smiled and this time I embraced him again. His hold was tighter now. I hadn’t experienced more b’ful night than this in my life time. We were for another two hours in the terrace. There was no one except some mute spectators as sky and the stars which would twinkle now and often to mark their presence. We talked for about half an hour, held hands for another half an hour, hugged, left and again embraced for another half an hour and we kissed and smooched by end of 2^nd hour. At 4, we went inside, sat on two opposite chairs and tried to close our eyes but kept on gazing each other. By 6 everyone left for their home.

It was teacher’s day and we reached coaching at 11. All the classes were suspended as entire coaching was in party mood. I had a special reason to wear little more make up and look prettier than required in a teacher’s day. All the girls were told to wear sari. Although my height is 5’5” (not bad) but I looked taller and prettier in sari and that’s why I loved the dress code. I wore a sari of peacock colour (green, navy blue and light blue spread over the sari in a beautiful way). Matching Bindi and matching ear ring was adding beauty to it. Although I got many compliments that day but my eyes were searching for someone special and in a moment he was there. Although there was no particular dress code for boys but he had wore a long navy blue kurta on jeans, sleeves folded till his elbow. He looked at me and we both smiled.  I find the emotion worth mentioning as it was something different. It was as if I have seen the most valuable thing of my life. My heart was beating heavily. I had a mixed emotion of happiness, shyness and nervousness. I didn’t know the reason of either of these. He came to me.

 “B’ful choice” He siad

“Sari or earring”

“My choice is beautiful”. He said proudly.

“Mine too”. I winked.

Although the whole day was very cherishable however there is an incident worth mentioning here. I was taking out snacks. I took two plates in my hand and stood. Suddenly the Aanchal of my sari fell down. There was no place I could keep the plates back. I turned back and tried keeping the aanchal on place with the help of my elbow and chin. I was engrossed in doing that and somewhere from behind Ankush came. He held my Aanchal. My heart beat started playing drums. He came near me and stuck my Aanchal below the blouse near shoulder. His hand touched my bare shoulder inside the blouse. My lips were dry. I wanted to kiss him so much but I was stand still. He took both the plates from my hand and whispered in my ear “.... you look hot in Sari..... don’t do any such thing which force me to lose control over me. Drape it nicely”. He went with those two plates and I kept staring at him from back feeling his touch over my bare shoulder. Program got over by 6. Sky was going to get dark. Wind was cool. Everyone was wrapping up. I also got ready to leave. Ankush called me on my mobile and told that he is waiting for me in the terrace. I went. He was standing in the same place where we had spent a beautiful night a day before. He said he just wanted to hug me in Sari before I leave. I went near him. He came closer. He put his hand around my naked waist and rubbed my back. I held him and hid my face inside his chest. He kissed on my forehead and we left.

Life had again come back to square. Studies, studies and studies from next day. The only change which had come that I had someone in the coaching who used to show concern for me and with whom I used to sit and study.  Amid all this, I had introduced Ankush to my parents and I met Ankush’s parents too. I think both of our parents had the hunch and both of them were quite ok about us. I was putting all my effort to crack the exam as I had understood the passion of Ankush for a doctor. In the last day of coaching I was little sad for I would not be able to meet him daily but he consoled saying that these days of separation would help us in lifelong togetherness. I was happy to listen that. Lifelong togetherness....... It was not only me who was thinking about spending whole life together.

I had cried lot when result came out. I had not cleared the exam. However, for Ankush I was both happy and sad. Happy… as he had cleared exam and sad as he would go away and we won’t be able to meet. He called me and told me not to lose hope. He consoled me saying that he also prepared for two years and he is sure that next year I would be able to compete. That gave me strength. His each word was panacea for me. I started studying with all the effort I could give. The day he left for his medical college, I went to drop him to station. He used to call me daily thereafter and most of the time guided me how to study. I missed him intensely. He said he also does but he didn’t want to distract me from my studies. Phone calls reduced from daily to alternate day to thrice a week. Whenever I complained he would cite all his hostel business and vast course of 1^st year and also how I would not understand these things. I stopped complaining. He came home twice that year, both for 10 days. Those days were like heavy rain for the peacock who had been left alone in a dry place. In the 2^nd visit, I had met his parents also. Although they knew me but I had gone especially to meet them, actually to remind them that I was in Ankush’s life. They were very nice to me. Although there was no discussion on the marriage part but they had asked my future plans and I had told them that I was preparing for medical. They were pleased to listen that. His reducing number of phone calls didn’t matter to me because I had a long run plan.

Exams were coming and every time he would call he would give me a long lecture to concentrate and on the topics I should be studying before exam. Even I wanted to clear my exam….. for Ankush. I could not clear it. I called him when result was out. Inspite of consoling he had talked in such a way as if I was of no use and the biggest sin I have done by not clearing the exam. He didn’t talk to me for next 20 days. I was very upset. He called me after 20 days and felt sorry for not calling me.

“ Aasmi…. I was confident that you would clear this time…. I was upset but I am sorry, I should not have behaved this way” He had said. It was pacifying.

“That’s ok”. I said

“What’s the plan now? Don’t lose hope. It was just a second try”

“Ya… but I would take admission in graduation, I cannot take any more risk now”

“Where?”

“Not yet thought, let’s see the forms are out for which colleges. They take entrances now days even for graduation.”

“Ok, let me know if you need any support…. And don’t worry”

“ya”

“ok, then I will sleep. Good night”

“Good night….. Listen”

“Hmmm??”

“I love u, it’s been month dat you said so”

“Love u too. Sleep now” It was palliative.

After many days I had a sound sleep that day. I started applying in the colleges for graduation. There were many options. One of them was psychology. The study of psychology teaches how humans think and the way in which humans arrive at decisions or behaviours. The subject had captivated me and thus I chose to pursue psychology in graduation. I took admission in one of the best colleges of our state, worth mentioning in the same city where Ankush was. Side by side my preparation for medical was going on. I was riveted by the subject I was pursuing and was gradually losing interest in medical. The only reason to continue to prepare for medical was Ankush. Although we used to meet every evening, but meeting him every evening and be with him whole day and in the same hostel.... the latter itself was a tickling thought for me.

As the days passed, he expressed his inability to meet me daily due to demanding nature of his studies. I understood his problem. I was also getting busy in psychology. Freud and Erickson started taking all my time and my medical preparation was left behind. Five months later I finally decided to take the profession as a psychologist in future rather than a doctor. I was not repenting for my decision as I had actually liked the subject.

“What is this crap psychologist”. He shouted at me on phone.

“What's the problem in being a psychologist. That’s a respectable job and most important, I want to do it. Even my parents don’t find any problem with it” I replied

“To hell with your parents... I damn care. Keep on preparing for medical”

“Mind your language”. And I hung up the phone.

For next 10 days, we didn’t talk to each other. He called after 10 days to say sorry. I was deeply hurt. Thereafter I reduced calling him and many a times I avoided meeting him. Most probably he understood. He started calling me daily. Every hour there would be a loving message on my phone with lot of sorry emoticons. He would send me funny jokes to make me laugh. One day I received a bouquet with a letter. It was from Ankush.

“Dear Aasmi,

Lots of love!

I am writing to you because it takes lot of courage to stand in front of you and accept the mistake and I don’t have the courage. I am really really sorry for the words I used for your parents. But, truly speaking it was not a deliberate choice of words for your parents. It was my frustration towards you. Trust me. I respect your parents and I always will. I know you are deeply hurt but as I cannot retrieve my words, I can only apologize. Your silence is killing me.

Come back.

Only yours

Ankush.”

I had called him that night and we talked for about half an hour. I was getting back to normal. We met thrice that week. He was very good to me. He also asked about my studies and about the semester exams. I thought he had accepted my decision of being a psychologist. When forms for medical exam came out, he had called me to fill the form but I denied. He again didn’t talk to me for a week. This time I had called him after 7 days. He didn’t talk lovingly but he was Okay. Our relationship was just moving on. We met twice a week and called each other whenever necessary. He was in 4th year when I finished my graduation with 92.5% marks. I was very happy. He was the first person whom I called to share the news. His reaction was very mild.

“Aren’t you happy for me” I had asked him.

“What is there to be happy about Aasmi. It was just a graduation. It wasn’t medical exam which you have cracked” he was rude

“By the way you have done well. Congrats” He added.

“Thanks”. I hung up the phone. I took admission in Masters in the same college.

I could sense the increasing distance between us. But I thought that study is taking all his time and thus he is not able to give me time. Although somewhere I had formed conjecture that I might not get Ankush but was denying to accept the fact. We continued meeting but it was no more romantic. It was like a routine which both of us followed religiously. There were days when we used to spend whole day but our conversation didn’t finish. Now, within half an hour, we kept quiet as none of us had anything to say. I had lot to say him, about me, my college, my accomplishments... but I knew he hardly bothered. It was obviously not a medical college. My parents had started asking about my marriage and indirectly they wanted to know about the consent of Ankush. I was giving them excuses and had asked for one more year so that he finishes his internship and I finish my masters.

It was 8-9 months left to finish my college and his internship that I started noticing change in him. When he would come to meet me, he would talk about his college. (Earlier he found it insulting to talk about his medical college to a non-medical student). He would talk about his time table in college, his friends both male and female and Kirti, an intern in the same hospital from where Ankush was doing internship. Ankush mentioned  about her every time whenever we met. He shared that Kirti had scored a state level position in the medical exam and has been a very good student consistently. However, he would always add that they were only friends and that would give me relief.

Final exam of my Masters and end of his internship were almost clashing. I was leaving for my home town 15 days ago than Ankush. The day I gave my last paper, I went to meet him. We met at a restaurant.

“I am leaving day after. When will you come?”I had asked him

“I will also be there by end of this month”. He replied.

“Ankush..... what have you planned for future?”

“You know that.... I told you I have already got a job. I will do that and I will prepare for MS”. He said.

“ Hmmm... that I know. “ I said quietly

“And your plan” He asked

“I have also a job in my hand as a psychologist. I will apply for PhD now”

“That’s cool”

“ Ankush when are we getting married? I have been avoiding my parents’ question, but now I have to reply something. We can continue studying even after marriage and at present we both have jobs to sustain nicely”. I said everything in one go.

He kept on looking me for sometime in a very surprised way and then replied

“Why the hell do you think I’ll marry you? How can you think that. You deserve a lawyer, a teacher or a clerk may be a psychologist.... but obviously not a doctor. Listen Aasmi you cannot use our friendship in such a way. You should be understanding that as a doctor, I would want a doctor wife, not just any one like you.”

“ So, what was going on  all these years, from coaching till today?”

“Look, I liked you but you couldn’t prove yourself. That’s not my fault. I had given you chance twice and then had asked to try for 3^rd time. You were stonewalled on my proposal”

“ Proof? Proof of what that I’m a doctor material and how do you know that a doctor will always be a good wife”

“I am no mood to argue Aasmi, I have to meet Kirti too.”

I had understood. Education broadens ones mind which I couldn’t see in his case. He was such a narrow minded person. Moreover, I was also astonished by his last letter in which he had written to come back. Why he had to call me and push me back. Why he had tried so much to make me happy. He could have just left me. These questions were mysterious to me. That was the last day I met him. I went home and informed everyone about Ankush’s decision. Everyone was hurt at my home but they wanted me to be happy. I started getting pressure for my marriage which I didn’t want to do.  “Forget and move on”, I had heard this line so many times that it started irritating me. I knew that everyone wanted me to be happy but I wanted to tell them that there is no “UNDO” in our life and if we cannot undo it, it will go together with me, wherever I go. I can add something in it but it will be present in the page of my life.

“It is not only those days and memories that hurt, but the days following after you went and insensitivity of people around that hurts equally”

I never married, not because I couldn’t find a better person than Ankush or I was not able to move on, but because all those 7 years he was someone whom I loved and trusted, with whom I had spent some very very special moments, some Hindi songs of those years still remind me of him. He changed. I didn’t. Trusting again someone is little difficult. Also, I had more important works to do in my life than to marry someone. I didn’t put a full stop in my life. I moved on. Completed my Phd, and got a job of professor in a very renowned college. As a psychologist I earned name, fame and wealth. And I have to go on.  I check his facebook sometimes. He couldn’t clear his MS I suppose, as he is a physician with no specialized degree. He married Kirti....Dr. Kirti. She is a gynaecologist and more famous than Ankush.  From a common friend I got to know that their relationship is very disturbed and soon they are going to get legally separated. Most probably because Ankush was left much behind Kirti’s name and fame as a doctor and he doesn’t like that.

It was last night in an event when I met Ankush again after 15 years. He was a participant and I was invited as a chief guest. After the event, he came to me with his youngest 3 yr old daughter.

“after so many years...you haven’t changed a bit..... same smile, same gait” He had said.

“your daughter is pretty. What’s her name?

He taught me psychology more than the books. He taught me change in human behaviour with live examples. He taught me the meaning of Id, Ego and superego more than any book. I thank him for that. There is no point in keeping grudges. It won’t affect him and I don’t want to have any negative effect on me. He also taught me that sometimes there are mysteries in life, we should always try to solve it but never let it entangle us. May be he was the way to lead me to a successful life. His neglect inspired me to go extra miles and I went. Somewhere he is still behind my success.

“Aasmi” He said

“I missed you” He added.

“Hmmm” I smiled “You don’t realize the importance of breathing, until you have difficulty doing it. you feel more strongly to have that. Oh! You won’t understand. It’s psychology”. I left the party.

                                                                                                                         My journey continues.......................

Mazda

Mazda

Happiness doesn’t come to us automatically,

It has to be created and recreated.....

All my life I had been pampered being a single daughter of my parents. Although my brother was also a single son, however I should confess that I was more pampered than my brother and I was a spoiled brat.  We belonged to an upper middle class family, a class which is rich but obviously cannot compete with Birla and Ambani and that’s why cannot be called rich. I lived with my parents and my younger brother in Jamshedpur, Jharkhand. Dad works in Steel city as a high rank officer. I don’t remember any of mine single demand which wasn’t fulfilled since my childhood and that’s why I have used the word spoiled brat for me. Yes, I was….. I didn’t understand the value of money, value of family, value of being together, value of each moment I lived. But I understood it....after existing in this world for 21 years, I understood how to live and be thankful for what I have received without asking for it, thankful for a life so beautiful..... Thankful for meeting Mazda.

After completing my graduation with Arts; literature, history and political science being my subjects (I love literature and wished to build my career in the same field) I planned to move to Delhi for my further studies.  Truly speaking, my purpose of coming to Delhi was not just the educational reason, but it was also one of my undue demands of asking an expensive car from my dad. He shouted at me for my extravagance. Upon denial and actually because I was not ready for this shouting, I got so angry that I couldn’t bear to spend one more day there with him.  Moreover, I had a good chance of taking admission in Delhi and thus I left. I remember that I didn’t talk to him even when I reached Delhi. After a week or so, I talked to him but my anger had overpowered that conversation. Our conversation confined to the expenses which I would be doing in Delhi, which directly reflected the amount he had to send me.

I came to Delhi to pursue my masters. I got admission for political science in one of the colleges of Delhi University. Although subject wasn’t much of my interest and was the third choice I had given in the application but then there were no other options available. I couldn’t get a hostel too as I was too late to apply for a room. My hunt for a room near my college started. I was well aware of my nature of not getting too much friendly with anyone soon and thus I wanted a separate one room set where I could enjoy my loneliness. After a search of 6 and half days I finally got a house near my college (2 kms away, not that near). It was a private bungalow of a Punjabi family. The family which consisted of wife, husband and their 3 children (2 daughters and a son) stayed in the upper floor while I stayed in the ground floor.  There was a basement for car parking and a small room, which I suppose was to store the accessories of generators, motors etc.

It took me a week to fully set in that 2 bedroom flat. My classes were yet to start and thus I would spend late afternoon and evening in the terrace with not a very panoramic view of road and a small but scenic garden attached to the bungalow. It was owned by my house owner. Often I observed that six children used to play in the garden who entered the bungalow after playing. Three of them looked foreigners and they talked in some other language with each other but with the children of landlord, they used to talk in English. The children were well behaved and wouldn’t make a lot of noise and thus I never felt disturbance. Later I noticed that these children go to basement after playing. After some days I got to know that the room which was supposed to store accessories of generator and motor, owing to its no-ventillation and no air- service, serves as a home for a family of four, a mother and her 3 children, 2 sons and a daughter.

Her face was tranquil. She was not more than 25 or 26. There was not even a tinge of make up on her face but someone has well said “beauty lies in simplicity”. She was exceptionally beautiful. Her thin body frame and snow white complexion had enhanced her beauty.  She had dark brown eyes, a legacy which was passed on to all her children.  Her straight nose and thin pink lips were as if that she was moulded from a machine by an expert engineer without any mistake. Although I am not a very amicable person, however I had an urge to meet her, to talk to her ... to know about her. I first confronted her while I was taking a move to my college and she was going for her work.

“Hi..” I said. “I am Titiksha. I live in first floor.

“Hello... I am Mazda”. She smiled. She had covered herself from head to toe except her face which was visible from half of her forehead to chin.

“You are going somewhere”? I asked

“Yes... to my workplace, a chemist shop near by. And you?”

“College”. I replied back. She invited me to her house sometime. I accepted it happily.

Next Sunday at about 11 in the morning, I went to basement and knocked the door of her room. It was her daughter who opened the door. She smiled at me and called her mother “mauther.... Aunty aste”. She came out behind the curtain wiping her hand. Smilingly she offered me to sit. There were two mattresses in the room, one arranged horizontally and another vertically making a L-shape in the corner of the room. Other than this there was a small TV, a fan and a light in the room. There were two racks one of which was filled with books, most probably of her children and on the another rack there was a small decorative box and two photo frames, one consisted of a photo of her three children and another had a photo of her with her husband I guess. She was looking extremely pretty in the photo. Room was completely covered with carpet and there were no film of dust anywhere my eyesight reached. I could also see a small space divided by a flimsy curtain which worked as a kitchen. Bathroom was at another corner of the room. Since there was no ventilation or window for external light and air, light and fan of her room was on giving it a night effect. Although my measurement is not that strong that I can measure the room but one can comprehend size of the room by the fact that other than above mentioned belongings, there was not a place to keep even a single stool or chair. The empty space in the middle of the room beside the mattress was enough for 3 persons to sit on the floor. She got tea and some biscuits for me. I had only tea. It was very different from what we drink.... a bit similar to green tea. I left within half an hour. She and her children spoke in English with me.

I got to know that they were from Afghanistan and was residing in India as refugees. She explained that they had threat to their life from some powerful forces and thus they fled to India. It was clear from her conversation that she had a luxurious life in Afghanistan.  In front of her children and understanding the fact that this was my first visit to her house I didn’t feel like probing into details. However her living condition had provoked a thought in my mind about how gruesome situation must be that she was forced to stay in such a small room.

We often met now....while going out, while coming back, while walking after dinner. I had invited her many times but she couldn’t get time and often she apologized for that. One Sunday afternoon she came after lunch time. When she entered she looked at my big hall with a capacity of accommodating at least 30 persons. She had no emotion on her face but I felt guilty of wasting so much of resources when a whole family has to survive in a room which is not bigger than my bathroom. Truly speaking.... I had never thought in this way.... I was startled at my thought... my sudden change of views and perspectives. I made coffee and we both sat on sofa. I told her about me and my family who were in Jamshedpur. She asked me about the subject I had taken in master. She told me that back home she had studied till 12^th and had studied science. And thus it was easier for her to find a job in a chemist shop as she understood the composition of the medicines.

That day she went down the memory lane and shared her life experiences. Her husband, who was working with an American company as a second class officer, was killed by Talibans. Mazda started teaching to small children back home to survive, but within a fortnight she had received a letter threatening her to leave her job. She continued because she had to die either way. Once while going to school, she was abducted. There was an attempt of rape. She managed to run away. That was her last night in Afghanistan. With the help of some smugglers, she arranged to cross the border illegally leaving her 3 storey house and a farm of dry fruits, keeping a hope in her eyes that someday, when there will be no terror of Taliban, she would come back with her children to her house, to her farm.

She kept quiet for a moment. “That’s life. One or other thing goes on. And we have to accept it. Past is now a past for me. It left me and I left it. Present is important for me. I have my three children and I have to shape their future.” She smiled.

A whole beautiful life slipped from her hand and she smiled. I remember the car incident and a loud discussion of why should I be having it with my dad and felt bad about it. We feel so overburdened with our problems that every other issue seems small. We get entangled in lot of issues...oh sorry for wrong word; we entangle ourselves with lot of issues and sometime no issues. We get so desperate that despite of looking for solutions, we keep on thinking about severity of the problem and stop smiling and stop living. I saluted her... a lady who fought every situations with panache. She had made her big problems so simple that the severest of severe problem looked small to her.

“I have heard little about Taliban.... what’s their main agenda? How do everything started?”I was inquisitive.

“It all intensified when US military command, greatly concerned at the increasing soviet intrusion in Afghanistan, chose to support to the hilt the rabid fundamentalist group, The Taliban. The endeavour met with tremendous success, the Mullahs leading the Taliban annihilated ruthlessly the Left leaning elements and took total charge of the country. What ill luck, they now turned on the American and waited to drive out these foreigners, too, from their country. American troops were killed in huge numbers. Americans optimistically organized some sort of democratic election and installed a government of its choice in Kabul. But the Taliban continue to give them no peace; the fundamentalist are in control of most of the country side and organize every now and then daring raids targeting strategic spots in Kabul itself. The US response is to further intensify bombing; scores of more people are dying every day, the country lies in ruins, animosity towards the American mounts. Innocent Afghan people are suffering.*

(*Courtsey:  Newspaper Telegraph dated 11^th Dec 2015, Page no-12)

Animosity between countries has ruined life of common and innocent people. Now ISIS has emerged as more powerful than Taliban but the torture continues. Even if they triumph over Taliban, for common people it would be like jumping out of the fire into the frying pan.”

“Hmmm... How do you know all these things”. I was startled at her knowledge.

I don’t know the P of Indian politics. I added

“You are lucky that you don’t have to know all these things. I wish Allah never shows you such day that you need to get knowledge about all these things. By the way...you have taken political science as your subject.... right?” She asked

“ Ya, but that was my last choice” I replied innocently. She smiled.

“What was your first choice?”

“ Literature, I like literature... but couldn’t get it. Missed the deadline by two days” I replied.

“ political science is an interesting subject. Once you start giving time to it, you won’t like anything else.” She loved talking about studies, about surroundings, about politics. She was a sensible lady with a balanced personality.

“ How do you know English? Even your children speak fluent English. You studied in convent?” I had asked once while walking in the garden.

“We learnt it here. There is an NGO which supports refugees through various means. We have learnt it from there”

“That’s nice!!!”

“Ya, we are grateful for that, I remember some initial days with no money, no food and no knowledge of language. But... it passed.” She didn’t say it was painful. I loved this about her.

“Now I know a bit of Hindi too, my children don’t know. But they would soon learn in school”. She was happy to inform.

How she used to get happy for every small things... how she used to decorate her small home.... how she used to be excited for a small gift if she bought for her children. Although, I should be removing every “small” from the statement as it was big for her... very big. I remember the marks of my first class test, I had scored 73 out of 100, not bad but about more than 12 classmates had scored more than me. If I was that old Titiksha, I would not had paid any heed to it, but now I was happy. I had called dad and shared my marks. He too blessed me and said that if I continue like this I can leave everyone behind (Considering the fact that I didn’t like political science).  It is such a joy to make someone else happy. And it is such a joy to be happy for every good thing life gives you.

I remember when I had shared with her my main reason to shift to Delhi (about the scolding dad had given). She had smiled and said that she should be thankful to my dad that he created that opportunity to introduce me to you.

“I was very angry that day when he scolded. Although I am calm now but I still get upset when I think of how dad scolded me for such a small thing.”

“First of all it was not a small thing, it was a big thing. Ask how big it is who cannot afford a cycle.”.

She was not pointing towards herself. It was not in her habit. But I was ashamed. 15 lakhs..... its actually a big amount.

“That’s true that he should not have scolded you but convinced you about how you are wrong”, she said “ but you shouldn’t keep grudges for so long. It makes the relationship bitter. I am sure you love your Dad... love goes along with respect and trust. You should have respected his decision”. I realized my mistake.

“Titiksha.... means forgiveness right? I liked your name and I googled the meaning”. She didn’t add a word but a big silence to it and another lesson for me to learn.

She had come to my house that day. She had taken leave from her work. She wasn’t feeling well. After resting a bit, she came to me. I prepared two cups of tea and we were enjoying it in the warm afternoon of December month in Delhi. Suddenly her phone rang, which was kept on the centre table. A number displayed on phone which started with +93. The number was of Afghanistan.

“Balai” She received and spoke. There was a female voice from the other side. I could hear little bit and comprehend that.

“Chutur aste khala jaan, khub aste (How are you Aunt? Are you fine?). She was chirping like a bird. But then suddenly her face was ashen and drawn in a look of pain. She kept her phone down on the table and closed her eyes pushing herself on the chair. I held her hand.

“I had a big house in Afghanistan, which I had to lock and run away. I was always hopeful that one day I will return to my house, after things and situation would ameliorate. Last Night Taliban ransacked my house and today morning they burnt it”.  I could sense the whiff of sadness in her tone.

I brought a glass of water for her. She took a sip of it. I knew that was not the right time to dig that issue. I wanted to console and change the subject but she stood to go.

“Sit for a while with me. Why you have to rush.” I had asked her.

“This is my Namaaz time”

“Mazda... why do you offer 5 times Namaz religiously? What has Allah given to you”

“Same thing which god has given you... blessings and wisdom. I have to thank him for the life he has given me to spend with my children, I have to thank him for introducing you where I could share all my issues, I have to thank him that I had breakfast today morning and I have to thank him to make me capable so that I can arrange dinner for night. I have to thank him that I and my children were not there in the house.

I wonder is this the situation which has made her rough and tough or she was like this only. I respected Mazda for everything she was doing but mainly for her courage, for her unabatable enthusiasm to fight with the odds and keep floundering.

She never asked for any support and neither liked if I offered any help. She had politely asked not to offer eatables to children when I had started giving them biscuit and chocolate daily. She told me that I want my children to understand the situation and grow.

I remember that night when she had come to me to ask for INR 15000. She had tears in her eyes. Without me asking anything she told that Aja (her youngest daughter) has high fever. She has pneumonia and need to be in the hospital for 3 days.  I gave her money and went to hospital with her. Doctor told that she had hypoxia and thus is kept on inhaler. We saw her from a small window. She was lying on the bed unconscious, unruffled. I turned back, Mazda was murmuring something. It was Ayat of Quran I suppose.  Her ashen face had turned dark yellow. She looked at me and smiled. I was surprised but smiled back.

“Aja will be alright”, she said. God has been very kind to me always and I have always trusted him for his kindness. He cannot prove himself wrong. Aja was back home within 4 days. I am not an atheist but this time I am sure that it was her belief more than the blessings of Allah. She returned 5000 rs in the same month and promised to return all the money on an installment basis. I told her not to worry actually I didn’t want to take it back but I knew she would not like it. She started returning 1000 every month and spent two more hours outside to arrange for this extra money. She didn’t tell me anything but landlord told me that she has taken some job in a beauty parlour nearby. She washed utensils and cleaned the parlour at the end of the day to earn little more and return my money. I felt very bad.

I finished my masters and had started applying for M.phill. I had also got a job in Mumbai and thus was preparing to shift to Mumbai. I had 8 more days to go and I had started packing things. One evening, after her work she had come to ask whether I need any help. I knew I would miss her, I invited her to dine together at my place. She refused but I insisted. Finally she agreed. I also forced her to sleep at my place along with her children so that we could talk late at night. It was a weekend next day. I ordered sweets from outside and prepared chicken, fried Rice and roti at home. I must say, I hadn’t had better dinner than this ever. Looking at her children’s face who were enjoying the meal was gratifying. For some moments, there was no tension on Mazda’s face. It was a bliss. After the children slept, I took out my clothes to arrange in a suitcase and made her sit on sofa. Although she asked to lend her support but I told her to rest.

“will you miss me?” I had asked her

“very much.... hope we will be in touch”

“Yes... but ofcourse. What about your resettlement”?

“Allah knows”

“All the best.... wherever you will be, you will always be happy”. I said from the core of my heart.

“Thanks.... I wish you decide to do double masters and spend two more years with me... may be this time in English literature”

“good idea...” and we both laughed.

“I am very worried whether I would get admission in M.phill or not.” I told her.

“If you have hope, you can cope with all the problems.” Platonically she had summarized her entire ideology in a sentence.

She had hope in every circumstances, when people fall and break, she stood for her children.

“What is the meaning of your name?” I had asked her once.

“Wisdom”. She told

“You have been named aptly” I told. She smiled.

If I had to mention what I learnt from Mazda, it would take a life to explain that actually I learnt the meaning of life from her.

I remember when I was 4or 5 our teachers used to make us pray

“Thank you god for world so sweet, thank you god for food we eat, thank you god for birds that sing, thank you god for everything”. This was just a 4 lines for me which I used to recite daily in the school to please my teachers, but could never understand it. Now after 19 years I recited it again from the core of my heart and I am thankful to Mazda to make me understand the meaning of this poem. I am thankful to god to shower her blessings on me ever. I am thankful for the sunlight which enters my home because there are some home which are not that lucky. I am thankful for the wind which I enjoy very much, because people die in its absence. I care about people and value the meaning of my name.

It’s been 2 years and I am in touch with her. Her children are studying in a private school nearby under underprivileged quota. She has not heard anything about her resettlement as yet. Sometimes when I ask that why don’t they resettle you, she says very politely “May be somebody needs it more than I do.” I am again startled at the courage of this lady. Now I don’t waste food because I understand that somewhere some Mazda would be fighting to get food for her children. I celebrate togetherness with my family because I understand that when family is not together, how painful the situation is. I understand that if my brother, who is now an engineer or my father comes late on my b’day, it’s not their choice, they might be doing some extra work for me or my family. I understand that happiness is from within and it comes from togetherness and not from materialistic things. That car is no more in my wish list.

The contrast

Mind is running back, 3 years back, when all of us (My parents and my siblings) lived together. I was in college in my hometown where Papa had his job. 
Papa was very tired arranging the event of Gandhi Jayanti in his office. After returning from office, he lied on bed. He was very tired. " Beta, this event was really exhausting. My leg is paining, can you massage it with oil". I shouted " what papa. even i am tired, We also celebrated Gandhi Jayanti in our school". Papa smiled and said "ok sit here and tell me, how was the function at school". As per Mummy's order, although reluctantly, but i massaged his leg. Today i'm in hostel for higher studies.

Last time in the vacation of Holi we couldn't spend a lot of time together. It was a small vacation and I had to return back. Next college will be closed in Gandhi Jayanti for a week (College celebrates Gandhian Week). It's June only.

I was always short tempered as Papa and hence clash is obvious. Papa very well knows me. Generally we stopped talking after any type of heated argument, but always papa initiated to talk, even if it is my mistake. I regret it now but,,,,... i hope i'll never repeat it in future. It is more than 3 months that i have met everyone. I wish Gandhiji was born on 2nd July. Often i think "why you have been so nice to me Papa".

Walking alone in the garden at 11pm, personifying stars as the only friends, doesn't matter mute,i reminisce and share days past, moment of rapture with them. Our walk after dinner and papa with a new topic everyday. Oh! i miss everything so very much.

Usually it happens that when we tend to describe relation between child and the father, it's mostly described like best buddies, good friends etc etc. But the case is not same with me. My papa is my papa, not my friend. In my view every relation carries a dignity and i proudly say that our relation carries it too. I share many things with papa but take care not to cross the boundary of shame and respect. We often have serious argument but we care not to hurt the sentiments of each other. This is the relation between me and my father-like a father and a daughter.

I had a talk with papa today on phone. He is very tired. His leg is paining and he desperately needs a massage. I am upset. I am not with him to massage his leg. Suddenly a whiff of memory passed wetting my eyelids. Today i'm feeling his pain in my leg.
What a contrast!

Love is...

Love is…

“Love is not about being with him and realizing his presence, It’s about not being with him and realizing his absence”

Time came when we had to depart. I can’t describe the situation of our separation as today also (after two years) it brings tears in my eyes. I’ll just say, we were quiet and train started. Neither of us wanted the train to move but only thing we could do was to hold each other’s hands unless our hands started losing hold. We bid good bye to each other. No body cried until we were visible to each other but both of us cried later. That night on train was painful. One whole life which I lived with him was in front of my eyes. Although the life span was very short.. 7 months.. but I lived years and years with Rahul. He had told me to message him after reaching Munger. I did that.

We never talked after that because we had promised that we won’t hurt anyone due to our relation. We didn’t hurt our parents and we won’t hurt our partners. He has also got married. Sometimes he mails me asking hw I m? I know that there is always “Take care of yourself” behind how I am. There is always “don’t worry I’m always with you” behind “how is life going on”.

Rahul always loved me. Unlike other couples, I was never Jaan, Jaanu or sweety for him. I was Shalini for him and he loved Shalini. I had also never called him anything but Rahul because I loved Rahul. Every time when I thought he doesn’t love me, I was wrong because each passing day he loved me, he loves me and he will always….

  

                   “kaash hum rok pate wo lamha jab hum mile,

                               Aaj tere jane ke baad itna dard na hota”

“One friend request….…”I said to myself looking at my Facebook. It was 9:30 am and I had just come to office and as a daily routine without opening my official document I checked my Facebook.

“Let’s see who this is.”  As I clicked on the icon, a name popped out “Rahul Sinha”. There were no mutual friends. Usually I just close the box and don’t care to see the profile of someone whom I don’t know or don’t share any mutual friends. Although I didn’t  deny his friendship requests.( I strictly believe that networking helps in getting a better  job prospective, especially in the developmental sector. Oh! BTW I’m a professional social worker, have completed my masters in social work, and working in an NGO at present) Haan!!! So I didn’t deny his request thinking that at some point of time, I may know him or need him and then I can accept his friend request.

Phone rang….. Shalini can u come down to my cabin for a minute?  It was my supervisor on the line.

Just coming sir… I replied, took my notebook and was going to minimize my Facebook, As soon as my fingers touched the mouse; I received a message on it. Although I had to go to my boss’s cabin (and I tell you I’m very punctual to obey orders) I don’t know why I had an uncontrollable urge to read the message (actually I had an intuition that the message is from Rahul Sinha). I clicked on the message icon, I was right it was Rahul. Before I could read the message, my phone rang

“Are you coming?”

“Yes Sir, in a moment. “ I rushed towards my Sir’s cabin. Rahul wasn’t going out of my head during discussion with sir. I wanted to read the message.

“Hey Shalini… pehchana mujhe? I’m Rahul, we’ve studied together.”  Studied together!!!!! When , where and how I thought. I recalled my college and school days and all the coaching classes which I’ve attended till date. But Rahul… I wasn’t able to remember anyone with this name. Looked through his profile and tried to match his photograph to all the guys I remember just cuould not recall.. Although it’s not my habit to reply to any such unknown mails,but when god has some plan for us, unlike things are bound to happen.I messaged him back.

“Sorry, I don’t remember, may be you are mistaken by name”

“I’m not mistaken madam, you don’t remember me? We were together from std 2 to std 4. I’ve our class photo also if you want to see”.  I got his reply in a moment. He was online I suppose.

I was surprised. Std 2 to std 4???? That’s funny. I don’t remember anyone from that class except those whom I met later on.

“Wait,I’ll add you, but if I’m not convinced I’ll remove you from my friend’s list.” I was candid.

“Thanks for a chance, I’ll prove.” He said.

I had some work. We couldn’t continue chatting. At 2:00pm I was comparatively free and back again I was on Facebook. Rahul was online. This time I was the first who poked him. He replied a little later.

“Busy?” I asked.

“No no, tell me? So, u trust me?

“Who said? I’m waiting for you to convince me”.

“Ah!!! Photos to yahan hain nahi mere paas. Actually I work in Delhi with Reliance. Parents are in Jharkhand. I’ll tell mom to scan and send the photo to me. U’ll get it soon.” He wrote

“You are from Jharkhand? How come you have studied in Bihar then?”

“Dad has a transferrable job, he was working in Munger (Bihar) when I was in 2, I mean when we were together”. I knew he winked.

“Flirt” I thought, didn’t write.

We talked about 2 and half hours taking a break of 5 minutes for nature’s call or for some official work. At 4:30pm he said he needed to leave office. We had a long chat about our school (he remembered the name of all teachers, our old poems, old friends, I was convinced that we had studied together, but I didn’t tell him) about our city, our job and our education. I didn’t hear from him for the next two days. 3^rd day when I opened my Gmail account, there was a new email from Rahul Sinha. I opened it. , OMG! There was an attachment, our school photo. I was so small just unidentifiable, I recognized him, there was a similarity in his childhood photo and recent photo. He was cute.

“I am convinced” I replied him back.

He was online that night. We talked again, again for 2-3 hours. If I say that this was the third time we were talking but I was feeling something for him, people would think me mad but… yes, there was something which was attracting me towards him I didn’t know but there was something which I never knew, not till date. He was boasting about his victory and his convincing skill and I was showing that-doesn’t- matter-to-me attitude. We started talking almost daily, sometimes in office, sometimes at night.

Once I had nothing to say (we never talked personal and I hate discussing politics) just to start the conversation I said “Shahrukh Khan has been named Rahul in many movies.”

Ya… and Preity Zinta is Shalini in Dil chahta hai… he replied. He added “ you are preety”

“You are flirt…. Where have you seen me to decide that?”

“photos on fb”

“aah!! Photos can lie and fb photo.. dnt trust them. Best photos get the chance to be uploaded on fb”I said.

“u were cute when you were a child”

“I don’t remember how I looked, how can u remember how I looked?”

“I remember, I remember one incident when u and Kavita were discussing something and to prove that u were right in discussion u winked at me and asked ‘hai na Rahul’. U just wanted me to support you in that discussion”

“OMG u remember these things, I don’t remember a single thing. Although I trst u that we studied 2gether bt I dnt remember anything.. not even ur face”

“antim roti khayee thi kya ?“ (There is a general saying in our place that if you eat last made bread, u tend to forget things)

“antim roti!!!!” and I laughed like crazy that day. I’m not sure what made me laugh, the conversation or this guy.

Our first fight

It was just a general online talk that day. He said that he was browsing through  my photos on fb. Suddenly he asks “ who’s dat grl in pink salwar suit wid u, she is b’ful”

 I don’t know why but I got irritated. I was expecting some comments or I should say some good comments for me. But I didn’t say anything. I replied him back “my friend”

“wow… she is ****… btw where is  c from” he asked.

I lost my mind completely and  almost shouted“go to hell”

“hey why r u so serious, I ws jst jking and btw if u did nt like me to ask dese thngs, u cud hv simply said…”

“u go to hell I said… don’t want to talk to u”

“Look u go to hell, even I’m nt interested in talking to u” He replied. He was very angry, I could comprehend from his tone.

 I was not at all ready for this. Something was not okay. I was talking to a guy whom I didn’t remember whether we were class mates or not. I was fighting with him for some reason which should not be my concern. And the most awkward thing.. I had tears in my eyes after reading his last sentence. I was dumbfounded.

“r u serious” I wrote

For next five minutes, I didn’t get any reply. I was just to sign out when I got his reply.

“i’m sorry. I just got angry. Had no intention to hurt u, but was really surprised by ur response”.

Startled at my own behavior, I wanted to end the conversation. On the pretext of sleeping, I signed out from Facebook. That night I couldn’t sleep till 2am. The only question revolving round my brain was why I behaved in such a stupid manner. I knew that I was developing a liking for Rahul, but I was more hurt the way he had replied. It was the first time when I felt that Rahul doesn’t have the same feeling what I’ve for him. I laughed at my insane thought. How can anyone like someone within a fortnight? I made up my mind about not talking to him much for the next few days. Although I should admit that the resolution was made not only because of the insane thought I had but also because of the rage of his response which still persisted in my mind.

As decided I started talking very less to Rahul. I would go offline or invisible if he came online.4 days passed and we didn’t talk.

It was Friday and everyone in office was in a weekend mood. Workload was  less. And I was in a full time pass mood that day. Signed into my facebook. Rahul was online. Before I could go offline, Rahul started chatting. Anyways I was in full time pass mood that day, so I thought to talk.

“Hey long time no see.. where wr u?’

“Was little busy in office. “

“oh..o madam was busy…. Hope u r not angry for our last day conversation”

“No  not at all…” I was very precise.

“Good then… ok give me ur phone nmbr, want to talk 2 u”

“why?”

“Just like that”

“I don’t give my number to strangers”

“strngr!!!!! Who is the strangr??? We are childhood friends”

“crap, I don’t remember this.”

“ U r denying to give ur no.to smart guy BTW”

“smart guy, if u think u r so smart, find out my number”

“Smart to mai itna hun ki number kya tera pura biodata hi pata kar dun”

“Thik hai, then lets talk after u get to knw my phone number… bbye”

We didn’t talk for next 3 days. Those 3 days were introspection days for me. I used to see Rahul online but restrained myself from chatting. It was difficult. I wanted to talk to him. But neither he nor I talked. 1^st day was difficult for me to restrain, 2^nd was quite okay and on 3^rd day I was completely fine not talking to him. May be because I had convinced myself that he was just kidding (actually flirting) and he will never be able to get my number.

It was the 4^th day that we had not talked  The Day was going not very great. I was extremely busy in office and I was deprived of checking my Facebook. At 7 in the evening, I was still in office buried under loads of work. At About  8, I got 5 minutes to take a relaxed breath. What could be more relaxing than to open your fb and see some interesting updates? I logged in. I was too unfocussed to focus on online friends. As soon as I scrolled down my timeline, a message popped up

“at home??” It was Rahul

“No, still in office L” I said

“so late”

“Hmmmm… loads of work.”

“ L”

“BTW hw u r talking to me, we hd decided smthing if u remember”

“last five digit of your mobile number is 86330”

“OMG, hw did u knw”

“dat doesn’t matter, smthng else I wnt to tell-

Classic residential, 2 nd floor, 36 Pune.”

I was shocked, completely shocked. Not only phone number but he knew my address also  “hw did u knw” I didn’t write only but screamed also.

“so now u believe that I’m smart” he said.

I was in no mood to crack jokes. Actually speaking I was tensed. I was thinking of all possible ways he could get my address and phone number. I remembered once he had mentioned that he was in Pune for 2 years for his job. I checked all his friends and friend’s friends to find out if we have some mutual friends, but I couldn’t get any. I couldn’t talk to him later because of my work load. I reached home at 11 that night. Completely exhausted from work, I thought to take some rest but I had to find out how Rahul got my contact details. I came online, Rahul wasn’t there. That night I couldn’t sleep.

Next morning was relaxing in office as all the senior officers including my supervisor was out for a meeting. I logged into my Facebook. He was online. I was tensed and very very angry. Without letting him speak anything I bombarded him with questions

“look I don’t care where u got my contacts 4m (actually I cared) but don’t u dare to use that. And I still don’t trust u as a friend and I don’t think we sud talk to each other. BTW I really want to know hw did u manage to get the contacts? Do u know any of my friend?”  I asked

“see shalini, u don’t need to react so harshly and I’m not  kind of guy that I’ll misuse ur phone number or address, if u don’t trust me, don’t talk and I’ll also not talk to you. Since u r taking it so seriously let me tell u that one of my friend works as a recruiter in a big company. I got ur resume from an employment website through my friend. I knw this is wrong, but trust me I took it just as a challenge nothing else. Take care. Bye.” And he signed out. Next thing what I did was to take a sigh of relief after knowing the source he had got my contacts.

3 days passed and we didn’t talk. He used to be invisible. I could see his updates but not him.

It was a Saturday night and I was in no hurry to sleep. At 11pm I logged in to my fb account. Rahul was online, but in a second I was not able to see him online. I knew he had gone invisible. After thinking a lot I messaged him “ want to talk, can u be visible, I knw u r online”

He came but didn’t start anything. For five minutes I was also quiet.

“I’m sorry for last day but plz undrstnd my situation, I got scared. I thought u r sm gunda badmaash.. I was scared and tensed. I don’t have any grudges against u” I said

“I understand, even I’m nt angry, just didn’t want to impose my frndshp on u. actually we studied 2gether, u r from a place in which I’ve spent some precious moments of my life, I felt like talking to u for these reasons. If u dnt trust, dat is fine wid me. I’m not angry but it’s on u to decide about my friendship proposal now” he said

“I still don’t remember anything but I trust a guy whom I met on fb” I replied back. We talked till 4 am that day. As usual he was trying hard to help me to recall some school memories. . Apart from school memories we talked  personal things about life, about marriage, and about girlfriends and boyfriends.

Our friendship was not restricted to fb only now. We both had each other’s numbers. We were not only fb friends but had become very good friends.

  

Confession

Our friendship couldn’t last long, because in some days we had become more than good friends. It was just one normal day while  chatting he confessed that he has started liking me. Although I didn’t confess anything,  I knew I liked him too. I didn’t say anything that day. He made it very clear that he is not imposing anything but he didn’t want to conceal his feelings for me. Truly speaking I was happy to know his feelings. He was out of his place for next two days that’s why we could not talk but I imagined him in all Bollywood songs with heroine which was of course me. I loved that. I started fantasizing, him and me together. It was awesome. We were on swing, swinging together if there was a old song. We were in Swizerland if there was late 90’s song and we were on *** if there was a new song. Uff… my imagination I wasn’t able to stop it, actually I didn’t want. As everyone knows, life can never go straight and smooth. There are always some turns and twists. My family had started talking about my marriage. They had met some guys and their families. One fine morning when I got up very fresh (I had dreamt about him) Mummy called and informed that coming Sunday there is some guy who will be coming to meet me and I have to be ready. It was that day when I came out of my fantasy world.

Rahul had returned to his place and had informed me via SMS. I replied him back “wanna talk, lemme knw, wen u r free”. He called me at 10. I had reached office.

“hiii, wat hpnd. Everything ok?” he asked

“ya.. I’m fine. Hw was ur tour” I replied

“good.. lots of travelling. U r sounding low.. wat hpnd, tell me” he said

“I like u” I took a pause

“Oh… dats great and awesome… but I knew it. By the way is this the reason u r sounding low?” and he laughed

 “my family is looking for guys for my marriage, since we belong to different caste, I cant talk abt u to my family.. I just can’t hurt them” I was serious

“hmmmm… problem. Shalini even I can’t tell about u to my family and I knew this from starting but couldn’t control myself from liking u”

“ I’ve some work. Will call u later” I said

“ok.. but listen don’t take tension, we will make some way out”

Hmmm.. ok bye. U take care.”

“u too” he replied.

Love continues…

I am jumping from the discussion we had about my marriage to love continues because during this we decided seven times that we won’t talk to each other, but every time we decided we talked more. Every time we decided not to chat online, we ended up with video chatting. Now we discussed everything, about the guy my parents wanted me to meet, about the meeting if I had with guys, about dowry, about their families everything. He also used to update me about his marriage planning status (his family had also started looking for a girl for his wedding). We discussed everything, our problems, family, family problems, office, health, and …. Love.

One night while video chatting

“you have a b’ful neck” he said

“kuch bhi… kisi ne nahi kaha aaj tak aisa” I replied him

“I want to hug u” he was serious.. very serious

“hey..wat hpnd, why so serious”

“nothing.. just had a feeling that in some months u’ll get married, even I’ll get married. I wan 2 feel u once, wan 2 cherish the feeling, the memory all my life time” he said.

That day, first time on his request I wore a deep neck dress so that he could see my neck. He touched the screen and I felt his touch and the tickle. That day I loved him more and he loved me more than me, he didn’t tell but I knew.

“I want to meet u, hw and when we’ll meet” he would ask every time we chatted and my answer would always be same. “We’ll Rahul. If it is destined we’ll; if it’s not destined thenL” he hated that.

Our 2^nd and 3^rd fight

One thing which I have not yet mentioned about Rahul is that he has a gang of friends and they are always a priority for him (I always hated it).As the days were passing by, I developed the habit of calling him daily. He would pick the phone and would tell “bolo”, I would say “nothing, just called like that ”, then we would keep quiet for 2 minutes, again he would say “bolo bolo” and I would say “nothing, bye take care”. And that’s it. Every call like this would leave me with the feeling if Rahul really loves me or it is just an infatuation. I shouldn’t complain so much about Rahul, he used to talk nicely also (sometimes) when he was in good (actually romantic) mood. But I never forgot to call him and he never disconnected the phone.

2^nd fight:

One of Rahul’s friends was getting married and he was busy purchasing some special gift for his friend. I called him as my daily habit to listen his “bolo” and “bolo bolo”. He picked the phone and said “I’m busy shopping. Will call u later” and disconnected. He didn’t call me back that day. Next day when I called him I was little upset for his last day behavior. He picked and said “sorry I didn’t call yesterday, was little busy”.

“Must be, it’s your friend’s wedding, and no problem u didn’t call, I’m used to it, u never call me”. I taunted

“I’m in no mood to listen to complaints”.  He disconnected

It was extremely insulting and I didn’t talk to him for next 3 days. “I don’t think he loves me and now after so many days he has realized all this” I was thinking. I used to see him online but never started chatting. I stopped calling him. After 3 days when we both were online he started chatting.

“Kuch bolegi nahi”  he asked

“mujhe laga busy hoge isliye nahi bol rahi thi” I said hiding my rage.

“I’m sorry for that but I was really busy and tired that day”

“That’s ok, but from today onwards I’ll not call u daily, I’ll not chat every time I see u online, if u r free, tell me, then we’ll talk and if I’m busy I’ll tell. I won’t shout” I didn’t leave a chance to taunt.

“hmmm.. I need to go, have some work. Sorry again and yes.. I’ll wait for your call” He was offline and I had  melted by those words he said. I called him again and I called him daily to hear his “bolo” and “bolo bolo”.

3^rd fight:

11pm during online chat:

“want to see u, cn we strt video chatting” I was desperate to see him that day.

“No dear my room mates are near by, cnt connect camera”

“want 2 c, do smthing”

“2dy nt possible”

‘plz”

“sorry dear”

“wat sorry yaar, cnt u understand I wnt 2 c u desperately” I was irritated.

“I cn dear, but u also undrstnd na”  and he was offline and I felt “I don’t think he loves me and now after so many days he has realized all this”

I was damn angry. How he dared to go offline while I was talking to him. These boys…. All same.. should never be trusted (I’m expert in generalizing the things)

Later process continued as earlier. After 3 days we both said sorry to each other, both said that they understand each other’s problem and will try not to repeat it again.

But after this we rarely did video chatting.

No more fights

First of all let me clarify that this is not what happened (no more fights) but this was what we decided. After our 3^rd fight we suddenly got enlightened that we may get separated anytime, I may get married, he may get married so we should enjoy each and every day to the fullest. And whenever we fight, we don’t talk at least for 2 days. Thus, we decided not to fight, not at all. We promised with each other that if one of us is angry other has to stay calm and will wait to take out his/her frustration till first one gets calm. And I swear… we followed it religiously. Most of the time, I was the speaker first and he would listen to me. Oh… how cute he looked while listening. I wont describe the 2^nd part when he spoke and I had to listen. This idea really worked out. We had no fights for almost more than half a month which was really a miracle for us.

Our last fight

No more fights didn’t work for long. Although I’m discussing a lot about our fights it doesn’t mean that we started caring less about each other or our love had decreased. Actually it increased every single day and I really believe that these small tiffs help in increasing faith, trust and love in your partner. Anyways, I was telling about our last fight. This fight was worth mentioning as this was the most serious one and really took time to sort out. As daily routine which I had again resumed, I called him at 8 pm on some July. I was little upset that day. I had read a novel in which the heroine dies and it had made me very upset. I wanted to talk to Rahul desperately. I called him, but he didn’t pick the phone. He never used to do that. So, again after half an hour, I called him. He didn’t pick up. I was tensed. When I called him back he disconnected the phone which made me more anxious. Truly speaking.. I had started getting all the bad thoughts. I couldn’t control and I called him again. He picked the phone and said “If I’m not receiving or if I ‘m disconnecting, that means I’m busy” He disconnected. I was wonderstruck. He gave me no chance to tell that I was worried for him. I had forgotten that I had to discuss about the book I read, and was really tensed. He never behaved so rudely. I was extremely upset. “I don’t think he loves me”… this was what came in my mind instantaneously and it didn’t vanish. I was never so upset because of him. I had a1000 thoughts that day about why he might not love me or why he might have stopped loving me “may be he got a new girlfriend or may be I irritate him very much or ……” Countless may bes. At 11, I received his call. As per my habit, I don’t just talk when I’m angry, I taunt. I started with “mil gaya time”. (I was expecting I’m sorry but….)

“I don’t want to argue, just called to let u know that I am little busy in some projects” He said

“How can u be like this, hw cn u behave like this” I said

“Stop it.. I said I’m no mood to argue. Can’t u ever understand me? I can’t talk now” He disconnected

I was speechless. Some moments in life make u speechless and u hate that. This was one such moment in my life. But I had no clue why he was so upset. He didn’t give a solid reason to be so upset. Although I was angry but was little worried about him. So controlling my anger I texted him  “I m sory. Ek bar hans ke baat kar lo,wnt be able to sleep otherwise”. He called after 5 minutes and said “so jao, I’m ok”. He disconnected the phone. I didn’t call him back.

Next morning when I woke up, I had a hangover of the night, I wasn’t fresh. But I wanted to end the fight. I messaged him “Gooooooood mrng. OK 2dy?”

“Ya fine.. I need my time Shalini, I need my space. U never understand me. Plz give me my space”. He replied back. I was surprised. I don’t give him space!!!! What was space supposed to mean here. If I’m taking 15 minutes from his day (24 hours) am I taking his space and time. And this was not the first time when he had complained that I don’t understand him. I didn’t know what he meant by that. What I’ve to understand… ? Do I need to understand that he is busy without him saying this or do I need to understand that he has got a project without him informing me.. this was ridiculous. Neither I was laughing nor crying.. I was broken. I replied him back “I’m sorry, it ws never intentional. Anyways, I promise you will have all ur space now.Bye”. These days were real challenge for me. Every moment I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t. 1 day passed, 2 days passed, 3 days passed. We had no communication. 4^th day I came to know that my marriage was fixed and the guy’s family was in much hurry for the marriage. There was no engagement. Wedding day was fixed and it was just 20 days later. I wanted to tell him (Rahul) this but then second thought occurred that if he reacts normally or doesn’t seem to care, it would be more hurting for me. I was firm on my thought that he has got a new girlfriend which was more likely actually. I and Rahul had never met, it was long distance relationship which hardly works. Next moment I also thought that whatever happens, it happens for good. Now when he has got a girlfriend he’ll not feel lonely after my wedding and I tried to smile.

Same night, at 11:45 pm, he messaged “missing u desperately”. I looked at the message and ignored. He again messaged “slept kya”, looked at message but couldn’t ignore him this time “No” I wrote. “Take all my space shalini, but talk to me” He again messaged. I didn’t reply.

Next afternoon, I received his call.

“tum to bilkul hi chup ho gayi ho, kuch nahi bologi” he asked

“I’m giving u what u had asked for, space and time. Enjoy it” It was not a taunt. I was sad.

“missing u yaar.i’m sorry” If it was any other day, I would have had melted as usual but I was tensed, how should I have had to  tell  him that I’m getting married. Actually all the anger, rage against him had evaporated when I had heard of my marriage.

“that’s ok,” I said

“is smthing wrong, why u r sounding so upset? I promise will never say u anything like that.i  cant c u upset… “ He was anxious now. I wasn’t able to gather words

“I’m getting married, 19^th day from today” I had said that, I don’t know how, but I did that. I don’t know why it was difficult so much for me, I always thought that we’re mentally prepared and that is why we always discussed about our marriage (not with  each other obviously), we used to crack joke about each other’s partner.

For two minutes I didn’t hear a single word from him.

“I want to meet you, before you get married, anyhow, do anything but I want to meet you. Consider it as my first and last request but give me some time, I’ll come wherever u want, but let’s meet. And……..i’m really sorry for the last 4 days”. He disconnected.

Our first and last meeting

Everyone at my home was very happy for my marriage but I had just one thing to worry that how and when I may manage to meet Rahul. Calling him Munger didn’t make sense to me. Nobody would have allowed us to meet alone or give us at least 5 quiet minutes to talk. Finally I got an idea. I had to go to Munger from Pune. I told my parents that I wanted a  dupatta (a cover for bride) to be taken from a particular shop in Delhi from where my friend had got and it was very beautiful. There was no question of denying my request as it was my wedding so I was given freedom to take the things of my choice. I planned everything. According to the plan, I’ll take a train from Pune at night; will reach Delhi by 10 in the morning. Directly from station, I’ll go to Dupatta shop, will take a dupatta and will book a room in hotel for freshening up. Rahul can come either in hotel or we can meet outside somewhere and spend some hours together. Train to Patna from Delhi was at 6 pm. So, at least for 4-5 hours we can be together.

I shared the plan with Rahul and he agreed to meet in hotel room itself where we could spend some time alone without anyone disturbing us. As planned I reached Delhi on time, went directly to some Dupatta shop, picked a beautiful dupatta and went to the hotel which Rahul had already booked for me. I called him and told him to come to hotel in half an hour which I’ll take in freshening up. I was extremely excited to see him for the first time (other than video chatting and his photos on fb).I took bath and wore a Punjabi suit with big pink flower prints on it. I wanted to look best. Put a pink lipstick and a small bindi. I could hear my loud heart beat and my breath. After arranging all the things I sat on the bed and switched on the television, suddenly my intercom rang.

“Ms. Shalini, someone has come to meet u” It was a call 4m reception.

“Send him in my room” I replied.

I switched off the television. My heart was in my mouth.  Extremely nervous, I opened the door of my room. He was standing in front me. I was stunned. He was standing there, whom I loved so much… whom I wanted to meet so much….. and…….whom I’ll never meet again.

I let him in. We both were quite, just smiling. Looked at him, he had the same honest eyes as in his photos. He was cute and handsome. He was in a blue shirt which was suiting him a lot. I don’t know what he felt about me, but he stared at me for 2 minutes(If this story was written by a male author, he must have elaborated his girl friend’s beauty in one whole page,but I’m little poor in it). For next 5 minutes we were just looking at each other. Our heart beat was playing drums inside. Just to start the conversation, I told “I bought dupatta for me, dekhoge?”

“ya, show”

I took out the dupatta from the bag and wore it, and unconsciously started humming “dulha tu dulhan main ban jaungi, dekh na sajna pyar mein tere mar jaungi” (song from movie called Dil hai ki manta nahi). Suddenly when I lifted my head, he was looking at me, with love,with emotion, with sadness… I couldn’t control, moved ahead and hugged him tightly, very tightly.

I was not able to stop my tears, I don’t know about him, but he was sad, I could understand it from the way he was  holding me, in such a way that I can’t break the trap of his arms. After 10 minutes when we left  each other, he kissed on my forehead and said “u r looking sweet”. I didn’t reply anything. He took out the dupatta and said “keep this back, it’s not for me, I want to see you in suit, you’ve wore for me “. Very true, that day I wore the best only for him. We had only 2 more hours of our life we could spend with each other.

“r u comfortable here or u want to go outside” He asked

“this is fine” I said

He held my hand and brought me closer. I was nervous.

“don’t worry, wnt do anything…. Thnx for spending these precious moments wid me, I’ll have smthing to recollect for my lifetime.” He gripped my hand tight.

This time he didn’t pull but I went little closer to him. Putting my head on his shoulder I said “I’ll miss u”

“I’ll not; you will be there with me always with these moments”. He said

I kissed him on his cheeks. He looked at me and kissed on my lips. We were there for more two hours talking about our life with each other, one whole life which we spent together but met only once. We laughed for our fights especially the last one. We said sorry to each other to waste 5 days not talking to each other. He told me why he stopped video chatting because once while chatting with me his roommate had seen me and was talking dirty. Rahul wanted to save me from every dirty eye and I was ashamed of thinking wrong about Rahul. We shared the best time of our life that day when we talked and there was no one to stop us; we were looking at each other, no one to think bad about us.

I still feel what if I had not come to Delhi… I would had never understood the meaning of love.. selfless and pure.I never felt that I didn’t  experience complete love in such a short span of time, because each and every moment with Rahul was more than a life. I understood what love is..

Love is calling ur luvd one by mistake and talking  to her for an hour.

Love is getting very happy to see his number on ur cell.

Love is feeling his touch when wind touches u, feeling his breath when wind blows and feeling him when there is only wind.

Love is…. What I experienced, what I felt, what I understood.

I always loved colors….Rahul filled my life with rainbow.

                                                                  Dedicated to my imagination and my imaginary boyfriend.                                                                      

                                                       love u Rahul……..